Yesterday was my "6 week" follow-up appointment, it ended up being 7 weeks exactly because of schedule conflicts and a last minute induction/c-section that my doctor got called away to. The good news is that I have been given the all clear. It was a very quick exam with the speculum then a quick manual exam. She said that it all looked great, things stayed where they were supposed to, that I healed up very well and won't need to go back to see her for a year. Since I no longer have my uterus, I don't have to have pap smears done but I do have to have yearly pelvic exams. She then said, "As a surgeon, it's a thing of beauty. I know that may sound weird but a surgeon has the right to be proud of a job well done." I completely cracked up and told her that I NEVER would have thought that I would hear that during a gynecologist appointment!
I will say that I am a bit nervous about my trek back into the world of sex. The good news is that, unlike before my surgery, I want to have sex. But I just had a lot of work done to my lovely lady parts and 6 weeks worth of recovery, what if something happens? What if it hurts? What if that one stitched up area isn't quite healed and my doctor just overlooked it? What if? What if? What if? Yes, as embarrassing as it was, I talked to my doctor and asked her the above questions. She assured me that things would be just fine, to take my time, use lubricant if necessary, etc. and I am sure that things will be fine but still I am a little worried and nervous. Guess that's what the mango flavored vodka in the freezer is for, a few drinks and I'm sure I'll be a lot less worried. =)
Another part and the most lengthy part of my appointment yesterday was about hormone replacement therapy. Wow, that is a confusing topic. So many websites and so much information can get incredibly confusing. I also found that it was difficult to find a website or sites that a good middle ground kind of website. This website said that if I took hormones, I was killing myself by doing that, then the next would say that I was killing myself by not taking hormones. Estrogen with progesterone, progesterone alone, estrogen alone, natural hormones, synthetic hormones, sprays, gels, creams, rings, pills - it went on and on. So many passionate/extreme views made it difficult to find what I needed. The biggest issue that I found was that ALL of the websites that I found did not pertain to women in their 30's that had a hysterectomy. All that I found were geared towards post menopausal women. I am not post menopausal so how did this pertain to me? Often times I would come away from an hour or two or research exhausted and even more confused. So I will tell you what I found to be helpful and what my doctor told me and then you will have to research what will work best for you from that point on. EACH person is different, in my mind, there is no right or wrong, it is what works for you and only you.
To start: After surgery, just because I still had no idea what I wanted, I asked for a pill to take once a day. I was finding that within a couple hours of taking the pill I would get a headache. This was due to the spike in hormones. As the spike waned I would feel fine, great actually and not give it another thought until the middle of the night. As the hormone levels dipped way down my body would heat up. I wouldn't say they were horrible hot flashes but definitely hotter than I should be. I would end up sleeping with the windows open and no covers, that may not sound bad if you are in a warm sunny place but it's still getting down to the 40's at night here. I continued to take the pill and kept filing away information to bombard my doctor with.
Doctor said: She reconfirmed that all or most of the information out there is for post menopausal women and that I did not fall into that category. The health risks and potential side effects of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) that I read about were all true and real in those women. She said that they should be on little to no hormones at that point. But she then said that pre-menopausal women (like me) that do not take HRT have the same health risks and potential side effects. The way she explained it and it made sense to me, is this way, at this age your body naturally produces, needs, wants hormones and it can process them, deal with them, use them it to it's advantage. When you reach menopause your body naturally turns that switch off and you no longer need hormones so taking them at that point is what causes problems. Your body no longer needs or wants them so it doesn't process them properly and that causes problems. It makes sense to me and I hope I explained it well enough for you.
We then went on to discuss my options for taking hormones. Pills, patch, vaginal ring, cream, gels and sprays are all available. She wanted me off the pill because the pill is processed by the liver. This is very hard on livers and she just doesn't like what she sees in the research papers about that. Everything else is absorbed through the skin and right into your system pretty much leaving the liver out of it. The patch is worn and changed every 5-7 days or before that if it falls off. This can cause skin irritation in some people. I break out after wearing a Band-aid so this option did not appeal to me. The vaginal ring is inserted, obvious statement here, into the vagina and changed once a month. I liked the idea of the once a month thing but, okay I'm just going to say it but I have to say that it's a bit embarrassing, I enjoy oral sex and the idea of that ring being there made me uncomfortable. So I didn't go with that option. That leaves, creams, gels and sprays. All of which are applied daily to the forearm. I decided against the cream, which may seem a silly reason to some, because I didn't like the packaging. Lots of little foil packs, a foil pack a day just seemed wasteful. The bottle of gel seemed a little more earth friendly and one pump of the bottle is one dose. I use two pumps a day, one in the morning and one at night to alleviate or minimize the ups and downs in my hormone levels. She also gave me a sample of the spray and I REALLY like the spray. One spray in the morning, one at night and it absorbs almost instantly. The only problem with that one is that it is a brand new way to apply it so it's going to be expensive and possibly not covered by my insurance. I will have to update you on that later. So my choice after all of that, for now, is the gel but I will switch to the spray if it's affordable or covered by my insurance. Same medicine different delivery methods.
I am still researching the pros and cons of synthetic/manufactured hormones versus all natural hormones. I'm not sure where I am yet on that but am finding it hard to find any solid studies on the natural hormones. I would assume that natural would be better for you but until I know for sure I'm sticking with this.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
2 week checkup
Okay, so it was a bit more than two weeks but both of my doctors were on vacation last week. Monday was the earliest I could get in. Oh, and here is a tip for you all, go see your gynecologist in the afternoon! I usually try for an appointment first thing in the morning and it just dawned on me on Monday at 2pm that SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! Seriously, my appointment was at 2pm, I walked in, checked in and before I could even sit myself down in the waiting room they called my name! I looked around to make sure that I was the only Tiffany in the room and sure enough of the three people, including myself, that was in the waiting area I WAS the only Tiffany. I walked back, she took my vitals, left me to undress from the waist down, I was still situating myself on the table and I heard the knock on my door. I can usually thumb through at least a half of a magazine before that happens! She came in, gave me the low down on my pathology report, did my exam and I was done. I dressed, walked out, made my 6 month appointment, got out to my car, picked up my phone to call Joel and noticed that it was, are you ready for this, no really, are you ready? It was 2:19!!! I almost called the book of world records to report this incredible phenomenon. At that moment I decided that from that day forward it was afternoon appointments for this gal. I will let you know if it is the same at my 6 week follow up appointment, my appointment that day is at 4:15.
So back to my checkup, my appointment went well. All of my pathology reports came back negative for cancer so that was great! They did find very small fibroid tumors, the beginning of endometriosis, little knobby things on my cervix (sorry I can't remember what she called them) and another thing I cant remember the name of but she described it like this. "The stuff that lines your uterus and becomes your period would form solid lumps then embed in the wall of your uterus. Then the days leading up to your period and during your period, as your uterus contracted it would cause the severe pain and cramping. Imagine embedding a rock into your bicep then trying to flex it." That is about the oddest thing I've heard yet. She did a very gentle exam, including a quick look with the speculum. She made sure all of the incisions and repairs were healing, that the stitches were dissolving and that I wasn't haven't anymore pain that was intolerable. I am happy to report that none of what she did caused pain. Actually, there was no discomfort at all. She said that all was looking great and I was well on my way to healing exactly as expected!
I was a bit surprised and maybe I just read the paperwork wrong but I am on the same restrictions for the next 4 weeks. I was hoping for a little bit of a lift on my restrictions but no such luck. I feel great though and I can see how someone could easily jump into doing too much. I caught a cold last week and coughed a lot on Saturday I found that I was pretty achy on Sunday so that was a good reminder for me to take it easy. I mentioned this to my doctor and she came down on me pretty hard about the coughing. She reminded me to do Kegels when I cough to help hold everything in place and to take Robitussin to stop the cough. Robitussin has worked, thankfully because I was instructed to call and get something with Codeine if it didn't.I am completely off of the pain meds, all of them, and adding a prescription back into my routine just didn't appeal to me.
So back to my checkup, my appointment went well. All of my pathology reports came back negative for cancer so that was great! They did find very small fibroid tumors, the beginning of endometriosis, little knobby things on my cervix (sorry I can't remember what she called them) and another thing I cant remember the name of but she described it like this. "The stuff that lines your uterus and becomes your period would form solid lumps then embed in the wall of your uterus. Then the days leading up to your period and during your period, as your uterus contracted it would cause the severe pain and cramping. Imagine embedding a rock into your bicep then trying to flex it." That is about the oddest thing I've heard yet. She did a very gentle exam, including a quick look with the speculum. She made sure all of the incisions and repairs were healing, that the stitches were dissolving and that I wasn't haven't anymore pain that was intolerable. I am happy to report that none of what she did caused pain. Actually, there was no discomfort at all. She said that all was looking great and I was well on my way to healing exactly as expected!
I was a bit surprised and maybe I just read the paperwork wrong but I am on the same restrictions for the next 4 weeks. I was hoping for a little bit of a lift on my restrictions but no such luck. I feel great though and I can see how someone could easily jump into doing too much. I caught a cold last week and coughed a lot on Saturday I found that I was pretty achy on Sunday so that was a good reminder for me to take it easy. I mentioned this to my doctor and she came down on me pretty hard about the coughing. She reminded me to do Kegels when I cough to help hold everything in place and to take Robitussin to stop the cough. Robitussin has worked, thankfully because I was instructed to call and get something with Codeine if it didn't.I am completely off of the pain meds, all of them, and adding a prescription back into my routine just didn't appeal to me.
I have gone back to work but my job isn't too strenuous. Simply put, I count cash, make up the deposits and do all the paperwork and data entry associated with that. I also only work for about 3 hours a night. I have been doing light housework like the dishes, laundry (but I don't lift or haul the basket around I make lots of trips), light sweeping, picking up all the stuff that gets strewn about, light cleaning in the bathroom (I won't scrub the tub), etc. I also have gone grocery shopping by myself. I am sure the cart with groceries is beyond my 10 pound limit but I do Kegels when pushing and ask for help out. I also take lots of little trips - yeah for Fred Meyers being so close!
As far as exercise, it's mainly been walking. Lots of walking. I haven't tried much else...just about any exercise you do puts pressure in some way, on your abdomen and I figure I just don't need to take that chance. I bet you could do some light 5 pound weight exercises with your arms though as long as you did Kegels and really concentrated on the proper form. My appetite is back, thank God, and am eating like I normally would. BUT I am not eating as much, both because I just can't and because I am really concentrating on my portions and not putting on weight. I also drink a ton of water and if I am sick of water then herbal tea.
The hardest part of my recovery is not picking up Oliver. It is such a part of my routine that I just find myself reaching for him and not even thinking about it. I've only picked him up once and realized immediately that I shouldn't be. Not because it hurt but because it was pointed out to me. I didn't feel any pain during or after though so that was good.
Like I mentioned above, my next appointment is in about 4 weeks...I will do a post on that one too. I do have other stuff I keep meaning to blog about but just haven't sat down to do it. I usually end up snuggling with one of my boys. It's a tough job but someone has got to do it!
The hardest part of my recovery is not picking up Oliver. It is such a part of my routine that I just find myself reaching for him and not even thinking about it. I've only picked him up once and realized immediately that I shouldn't be. Not because it hurt but because it was pointed out to me. I didn't feel any pain during or after though so that was good.
Like I mentioned above, my next appointment is in about 4 weeks...I will do a post on that one too. I do have other stuff I keep meaning to blog about but just haven't sat down to do it. I usually end up snuggling with one of my boys. It's a tough job but someone has got to do it!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Yes
Many have asked if I'm happy that I went through with the surgery and if I've noticed any changes yet...
To simply answer the question above without going into details, the answer would be yes.
While I was in the hospital they had the pain medication hooked up through my IV, I press the button and relief would be on it's way shortly. There was a time limit so I couldn't push the button a bunch of times but I could every X minutes if needed. Just because I had a lot of time on my hands, I imagined that my issues with hormones were being controlled or driven by someone else. Like I had an IV line hooked to a bag of hormones but I wasn't the one controlling the button. Nor did the button have a limit on it. Some days the button controller wouldn't push the button at all, other days the button pusher was like my toddler, hitting the button over and over and over until I snapped. Within a day or two of the surgery I honestly felt like that IV line of hormones had been removed. The out of control feeling is gone. I feel like I am in more control of my emotions, my life. It is really hard to explain but it feels like the sharp edge has been filed down, it's smoother, easier to cross.
Another immediate effect that the surgery had made me chuckle a bit and it may or may not be because I had my lovely lady parts removed but I'd like to think that it was. The week leading up to the surgery my breasts were tender. Not just a little bit but a LOT tender. I even went and bought new sports bras hoping that the doctors would let me wear one into and during surgery because they hurt so bad. Once out of surgery and coherent enough to think a bit I remember bumping my breasts with my arm and out of habit I flinched thinking that it was going to hurt. I realized that it didn't! They didn't hurt anymore, the tenderness and pain were gone, completely gone. They have not been tender or sore since the surgery either.
As time goes on, as I finish healing and my body adjusts I am sure that I will notice even more benefits of having the surgery. Okay and the idea of never having to visit the feminine products isle again is intoxicating!!
Other recovery tidbits and stuff that my brain has been mulling during recovery...
I have been given a stool softener/laxative to take if necessary to keep things moving so to speak. Luckily, with my lack of appetite and low fiber diet this really hasn't been an issue and I only had to take the nasty stuff the first day or two. It's like corn syrup consistency but tastes yucky. Anyway, there is a statement on the bottle that reads, "For oral or rectal administration." This statement really strikes me as odd and maybe even a bit disturbing. I just laugh at it instead.
I expected a lot more post operation bleeding. I don't know why I did, maybe it was the constant reminders from doctors and nurses that if I soaked a pad within an hour that I needed to see my doctor that did it. Needless to say, I have had little to no bleeding. I bled more, regularly, on a non-period day before surgery than I have the entire time following surgery.
I am healing and feeling better faster than I expected. I have done a good job of taking it easy, napping when tired, etc. and that may be a big part of it. I am walking well and coughing, sneezing and laughing no longer hurt. Any swelling I had is gone and am feeling normal down there. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like I've had surgery but it's not painful at all. I was hurting a lot longer after having my boys than I am now. Like I've said before, though, this is the time that I REALLY need to pay attention and not over do things. I do get a little achy at night but that's about it. I only took pain medications (mostly Tylenol) for the first three days, been off it ever since.
Remember me talking about how I could not get enough ice? My glasses of water were more like glasses of ice with a touch of water. I worked our ice maker harder than any ice maker should have to work. I noticed right away and Joel even noticed that my ice crunching has almost completely stopped. I will still chew on a piece or two if they are in my glass, I always have, but it's not glasses of ice all day long anymore. I even left some in a cup last night and that would NOT have happened before the surgery.
Temperature...before the surgery, and we are realizing it even more now, I was hot at night. I wouldn't say hot flash kind of hot but definitely warm. Joel and I were talking the night before last about how that has changed now. Over the last 6-12 months I have been a little heater in bed. Joel couldn't even snuggle up without getting too warm himself and when he did, it would just drive me to throw the covers off and move away. I also would sleep a lot with my feet/legs out of the covers, just too hot to keep them under there. Since the surgery, I've gone back to, what I would say are, my normal body temperatures. I don't wake up too hot or sweaty, Joel can snuggle up and my bare feet make Joel jump when I touch him with them. =) Even though I am running a bit on the cold side now, it has been nice.
Have any of you ever bought or used the ThermaCare Heat Wraps? These things rock! I'm glad I didn't buy/use them before my surgery because I would have spent a lot of money on them during my really bad cramping days. They have one specifically designed for menstrual cramp relief and they stay warm for up to 8 hours. This one actually has a sticky back that you can adhere to your undies. I've used a couple of these during my recovery and it was awesome. The constant warmth on my abdomen was comforting and relaxing. My three pack, on sale, was $5.99.
I know that I had/have more to share but can't think of them right now. I will keep a notepad and pen/pencil close today and tomorrow to make notes for the next post.
To simply answer the question above without going into details, the answer would be yes.
While I was in the hospital they had the pain medication hooked up through my IV, I press the button and relief would be on it's way shortly. There was a time limit so I couldn't push the button a bunch of times but I could every X minutes if needed. Just because I had a lot of time on my hands, I imagined that my issues with hormones were being controlled or driven by someone else. Like I had an IV line hooked to a bag of hormones but I wasn't the one controlling the button. Nor did the button have a limit on it. Some days the button controller wouldn't push the button at all, other days the button pusher was like my toddler, hitting the button over and over and over until I snapped. Within a day or two of the surgery I honestly felt like that IV line of hormones had been removed. The out of control feeling is gone. I feel like I am in more control of my emotions, my life. It is really hard to explain but it feels like the sharp edge has been filed down, it's smoother, easier to cross.
Another immediate effect that the surgery had made me chuckle a bit and it may or may not be because I had my lovely lady parts removed but I'd like to think that it was. The week leading up to the surgery my breasts were tender. Not just a little bit but a LOT tender. I even went and bought new sports bras hoping that the doctors would let me wear one into and during surgery because they hurt so bad. Once out of surgery and coherent enough to think a bit I remember bumping my breasts with my arm and out of habit I flinched thinking that it was going to hurt. I realized that it didn't! They didn't hurt anymore, the tenderness and pain were gone, completely gone. They have not been tender or sore since the surgery either.
As time goes on, as I finish healing and my body adjusts I am sure that I will notice even more benefits of having the surgery. Okay and the idea of never having to visit the feminine products isle again is intoxicating!!
Other recovery tidbits and stuff that my brain has been mulling during recovery...
I have been given a stool softener/laxative to take if necessary to keep things moving so to speak. Luckily, with my lack of appetite and low fiber diet this really hasn't been an issue and I only had to take the nasty stuff the first day or two. It's like corn syrup consistency but tastes yucky. Anyway, there is a statement on the bottle that reads, "For oral or rectal administration." This statement really strikes me as odd and maybe even a bit disturbing. I just laugh at it instead.
I expected a lot more post operation bleeding. I don't know why I did, maybe it was the constant reminders from doctors and nurses that if I soaked a pad within an hour that I needed to see my doctor that did it. Needless to say, I have had little to no bleeding. I bled more, regularly, on a non-period day before surgery than I have the entire time following surgery.
I am healing and feeling better faster than I expected. I have done a good job of taking it easy, napping when tired, etc. and that may be a big part of it. I am walking well and coughing, sneezing and laughing no longer hurt. Any swelling I had is gone and am feeling normal down there. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like I've had surgery but it's not painful at all. I was hurting a lot longer after having my boys than I am now. Like I've said before, though, this is the time that I REALLY need to pay attention and not over do things. I do get a little achy at night but that's about it. I only took pain medications (mostly Tylenol) for the first three days, been off it ever since.
Remember me talking about how I could not get enough ice? My glasses of water were more like glasses of ice with a touch of water. I worked our ice maker harder than any ice maker should have to work. I noticed right away and Joel even noticed that my ice crunching has almost completely stopped. I will still chew on a piece or two if they are in my glass, I always have, but it's not glasses of ice all day long anymore. I even left some in a cup last night and that would NOT have happened before the surgery.
Temperature...before the surgery, and we are realizing it even more now, I was hot at night. I wouldn't say hot flash kind of hot but definitely warm. Joel and I were talking the night before last about how that has changed now. Over the last 6-12 months I have been a little heater in bed. Joel couldn't even snuggle up without getting too warm himself and when he did, it would just drive me to throw the covers off and move away. I also would sleep a lot with my feet/legs out of the covers, just too hot to keep them under there. Since the surgery, I've gone back to, what I would say are, my normal body temperatures. I don't wake up too hot or sweaty, Joel can snuggle up and my bare feet make Joel jump when I touch him with them. =) Even though I am running a bit on the cold side now, it has been nice.
Have any of you ever bought or used the ThermaCare Heat Wraps? These things rock! I'm glad I didn't buy/use them before my surgery because I would have spent a lot of money on them during my really bad cramping days. They have one specifically designed for menstrual cramp relief and they stay warm for up to 8 hours. This one actually has a sticky back that you can adhere to your undies. I've used a couple of these during my recovery and it was awesome. The constant warmth on my abdomen was comforting and relaxing. My three pack, on sale, was $5.99.
I know that I had/have more to share but can't think of them right now. I will keep a notepad and pen/pencil close today and tomorrow to make notes for the next post.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
On The Road Again
Honestly, the title to my post was simply going to be, "Road to Recovery," but that reminded me of the Willie Nelson song that has now been stuck in my head for far too long!! Everyone sing with me now, "On the road again. Just can't wait to get on the road again..." Sorry about that.
Last Friday I finally got my walking papers and was able to go home. The hospital, in its typical fashion, would not let me walk out but instead wheeled me out. However, I totally cracked up when we got down to the curb. Joel had run out to grab the car and left me with the nurse. Apparently once you hit the curb you are no longer hospital property. In her kindest voice she said, "You can wait on the bench, I saw you walking around earlier," and kicked me out of the chair. Luckily, I found it to be quite humorous. Joel quickly picked me up and we drove over to the pharmacy for my medications, to Burgerville for Joel's dinner and then home.
Both boys were spending the night with someone Friday night and I have to say that it was a blessing. It was nice to be able to come home to peace and quiet and to find my comfortable spot or two without any interruptions. As much as I enjoyed having nurses answer every call and tend to my every need it was incredibly nice to be home! Joel, all worried and concerned, doted on me and made sure I was well taken care of. He too was glad to be home and have me here with him.
I've been resting and recuperating quite nicely. Actually, I am feeling a lot better than I had expected. The first day (Saturday) I was extremely achy and had a mild dull pain but controlled it well with Tylenol throughout the day. Each day after that I have been getting progressively better. As a matter of fact, I haven't needed/wanted Tylenol at all today. The first couple of nights home I took the prescribed pain medication they gave me just before bed just to make sure that I could rest well and comfortably. I switched to Tylenol last night and will probably do that again tonight. I am still a little achy but for the most part but feeling really well. This is the time that I really need to focus on taking care of myself. This is when I would normally push myself and try to do more than I should. I've promised myself, my husband and many others that I will give my body a chance to recover completely though so don't worry. Plus who can argue with not vacuuming or mopping for 6 weeks? Seriously, why pass that up?
One thing that I have noticed is that I tire easily, to be expected after surgery I'm sure. I got up Sunday morning around 7:30, I thought I had been up for much longer and was shocked to find it only 9:30 when I headed in for a long nap. I've been listening to my body, taking the clues and taking lots of naps.
I've been instructed to keep my diet very simple, low fiber, low bulk, etc. Turns out that hasn't been hard for me at all. I'm am struggling to get my appetite back. I can barely get down a banana and a couple sips of coffee before I'm done. I am still easy to tip to the nauseous side of things and am finding few things appealing. Water, bananas, juice, baked potatoes (sweet and regular), butternut squash, chicken broth/soup have been my main staples. I tried some yogurt and that did not settle well at all which really surprised me. I did have a little bit of macaroni and cheese yesterday, it sounded good so I went with it, and that went down pretty good. I have lost just over 10 pounds since Wednesday of last week. I'd like to think that will stay off when I get my appetite back but I'm not counting on it. =)
The rain has been pretty steady and crazy since I got home so to get out and walk someplace other than my house, Joel took me to Fred Meyers yesterday and let me walk a bit there. We went and picked up a couple of donuts and a latte today. Amazing what a quick trip out can do for your spirits! I do pace the house frequently to get my walking in and have made a couple of trips to the mail box too.
So, in keeping with doctors orders, I've been resting and walking. I'm starting to get a little bit bored but I've had some fun with scanning and uploading old pictures to my facebook page, I have some books that I've been meaning to read, I bought a puzzle book at the store yesterday and many other things that I can focus on. I also have a couple of stitching projects waiting for me at Joel's work that I can't wait to get my hands on.
Many have asked if I'm happy that I went through with the surgery and if I've noticed any changes yet...I'll answer that in my next post. Any other questions out there? If you have any hospital/surgery questions, be sure to ask me now while it's fresh in my mind!
Last Friday I finally got my walking papers and was able to go home. The hospital, in its typical fashion, would not let me walk out but instead wheeled me out. However, I totally cracked up when we got down to the curb. Joel had run out to grab the car and left me with the nurse. Apparently once you hit the curb you are no longer hospital property. In her kindest voice she said, "You can wait on the bench, I saw you walking around earlier," and kicked me out of the chair. Luckily, I found it to be quite humorous. Joel quickly picked me up and we drove over to the pharmacy for my medications, to Burgerville for Joel's dinner and then home.
Both boys were spending the night with someone Friday night and I have to say that it was a blessing. It was nice to be able to come home to peace and quiet and to find my comfortable spot or two without any interruptions. As much as I enjoyed having nurses answer every call and tend to my every need it was incredibly nice to be home! Joel, all worried and concerned, doted on me and made sure I was well taken care of. He too was glad to be home and have me here with him.
I've been resting and recuperating quite nicely. Actually, I am feeling a lot better than I had expected. The first day (Saturday) I was extremely achy and had a mild dull pain but controlled it well with Tylenol throughout the day. Each day after that I have been getting progressively better. As a matter of fact, I haven't needed/wanted Tylenol at all today. The first couple of nights home I took the prescribed pain medication they gave me just before bed just to make sure that I could rest well and comfortably. I switched to Tylenol last night and will probably do that again tonight. I am still a little achy but for the most part but feeling really well. This is the time that I really need to focus on taking care of myself. This is when I would normally push myself and try to do more than I should. I've promised myself, my husband and many others that I will give my body a chance to recover completely though so don't worry. Plus who can argue with not vacuuming or mopping for 6 weeks? Seriously, why pass that up?
One thing that I have noticed is that I tire easily, to be expected after surgery I'm sure. I got up Sunday morning around 7:30, I thought I had been up for much longer and was shocked to find it only 9:30 when I headed in for a long nap. I've been listening to my body, taking the clues and taking lots of naps.
I've been instructed to keep my diet very simple, low fiber, low bulk, etc. Turns out that hasn't been hard for me at all. I'm am struggling to get my appetite back. I can barely get down a banana and a couple sips of coffee before I'm done. I am still easy to tip to the nauseous side of things and am finding few things appealing. Water, bananas, juice, baked potatoes (sweet and regular), butternut squash, chicken broth/soup have been my main staples. I tried some yogurt and that did not settle well at all which really surprised me. I did have a little bit of macaroni and cheese yesterday, it sounded good so I went with it, and that went down pretty good. I have lost just over 10 pounds since Wednesday of last week. I'd like to think that will stay off when I get my appetite back but I'm not counting on it. =)
The rain has been pretty steady and crazy since I got home so to get out and walk someplace other than my house, Joel took me to Fred Meyers yesterday and let me walk a bit there. We went and picked up a couple of donuts and a latte today. Amazing what a quick trip out can do for your spirits! I do pace the house frequently to get my walking in and have made a couple of trips to the mail box too.
So, in keeping with doctors orders, I've been resting and walking. I'm starting to get a little bit bored but I've had some fun with scanning and uploading old pictures to my facebook page, I have some books that I've been meaning to read, I bought a puzzle book at the store yesterday and many other things that I can focus on. I also have a couple of stitching projects waiting for me at Joel's work that I can't wait to get my hands on.
Many have asked if I'm happy that I went through with the surgery and if I've noticed any changes yet...I'll answer that in my next post. Any other questions out there? If you have any hospital/surgery questions, be sure to ask me now while it's fresh in my mind!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Surgery Recall Part 2
I just want to take a couple of minutes and talk about SW Washington Medical Center. I had a great experience, all things considered, at this hospital. They were all very professional, very proficient and everything was efficiently run. They had procedures that they told us about then followed them to the letter, they always told you exactly what they were doing or going to do, when they were going to do and then did it. I was tracked, so to speak, on many different levels including a bar code that was assigned to me/on my bracelet. I got that bracelet as soon as I talked to the lady at the check-in desk! It was scanned before anything was done or any medication given. All of my nurses were good but I totally scored with the two I had starting at 7am on Friday - those two gals were the bomb! Anyway, I've heard stories of bad experiences in hospitals and wanted to let you all know that my experience was excellent!
So after the anesthesia wore off Friday night my next goal was to get home. I had a checklist of requirements to meet and that was what I focused on all day Friday. Joel too for that matter, each time I got another requirement done he reminded me that another was checked off the list. The list included removal of packing put in place during surgery, removal of catheter, going to the bathroom on my own and emptying my bladder, eating a little bit and keeping it down, able to control the pain via pills (wean me off of the IV pain medication), able to keep fluids going into me (drinking lots of water, juice, etc. to wean me off of the IV fluids) and able to be up and walking.
When I came out of surgery, I had a bunch of vaginal packing and a catheter. Around lunchtime on Friday, my doctor came in, removed the packing then the nurses came in and removed the catheter. My doctor decided to do a back fill of my bladder then I had 15 minutes to use the restroom. She wanted 300 cc's in and 300 cc's out. That way she could be sure that I was emptying my bladder. I guess during surgery if the bladder is bumped at all it can show it's unhappiness about that by not emptying completely. As I'm sure you can figure out on your own, this is not a good thing and can quickly lead to infection. Before the catheter was completely removed the nurses back filled my bladder with a sterile saline solution but instead of the full 300, at the 200 mark I asked them to stop. I felt full and knew that I could go and did as soon as I could get up out of bed. Problem was, my bladder wasn't empty to begin with...they put in 200 and I put out 550! So they went with plan B, after my next trip to the bathroom they did a bladder scan (looked like a mini ultrasound machine) to check for any fluid and there was none! Woohoo! By this time I had already eaten some food, drank lots of fluid, had the IV removed so my only task left to do was get up and walk around.
Joel had to leave for a while to go home and get Noah off of the bus and off to his destination for the night. Plus the poor guy had to have been bored to no end sitting by my bed. I am sure it was nice to just get out for a while and grab a bite to eat or whatever. For almost my entire stay at the hospital I had a room to myself but shortly after Joel left, I ended up with a roommate for about an hour. Let's see, how do I put this nicely, um, well, okay fine...that was not a pleasant experience at all. My great nurses came to my bedside and kept mouthing that they were sorry. They also whispered to me and told her loudly that she would have her own room within an hour, it was just being cleaned. Now, I'm not sure what she had done but there was lots of sobbing, crying, moaning and when the nurses asked her what her pain scale was from 1 to 10 she shouted, "A 20! A 20! Now give me something!" As if that wasn't bad enough I then had to listen to her and her husband/boyfriend fight about whether or not she should be allowed to use her cell phone, all the crap that he had to go through to get there to be with her and that she should be thankful that he was there at all, who should or shouldn't be allowed to visit and then more people showed up. A friend, a mother (I think) and God knows who else and our rooms ARE NOT BIG. They finally moved her and about two minutes after that some other friend of hers comes running into the room loudly calling out the patients name. I stayed quiet, it wasn't me they were looking for, but she still ripped back my curtain and demanded to know who I was and where the hell was the patient? Seriously, she is lucky that I had just had surgery and that Joel wasn't there. Needless to say, my nurses came rushing in after she was all moved and could not apologize enough for the chaos and swore it wasn't usually that bad.
So why do I tell this little side story...because it put off my walking around. I wanted to walk a bit in my room first then the hallways. I mean, if I was going to get light headed or nauseous or even go down for that matter I wanted it to be in my room, not out in the throws of a busy hospital floor. Once they left, I got up, walked about my room a bit, rested some, then got up and headed out for the hallway. They wanted me doing laps around the floor before they gave me the okay to go home. I knew that my doctor would be back by 5pm so it was my lot in life at that time to walk. So walk I did...well okay, I sort of did this shuffle walk with a blanket wrapped around me in case my gown decided to open while holding a small pillow against my stomach for comfort. I'm sure it was a thing of beauty! Oh and don't forget the hospital issued, gun metal gray, non-slip socks. Be-yew-ti-ful! But despite my beauty, I walked and got my walking papers!
To be continued...
So after the anesthesia wore off Friday night my next goal was to get home. I had a checklist of requirements to meet and that was what I focused on all day Friday. Joel too for that matter, each time I got another requirement done he reminded me that another was checked off the list. The list included removal of packing put in place during surgery, removal of catheter, going to the bathroom on my own and emptying my bladder, eating a little bit and keeping it down, able to control the pain via pills (wean me off of the IV pain medication), able to keep fluids going into me (drinking lots of water, juice, etc. to wean me off of the IV fluids) and able to be up and walking.
When I came out of surgery, I had a bunch of vaginal packing and a catheter. Around lunchtime on Friday, my doctor came in, removed the packing then the nurses came in and removed the catheter. My doctor decided to do a back fill of my bladder then I had 15 minutes to use the restroom. She wanted 300 cc's in and 300 cc's out. That way she could be sure that I was emptying my bladder. I guess during surgery if the bladder is bumped at all it can show it's unhappiness about that by not emptying completely. As I'm sure you can figure out on your own, this is not a good thing and can quickly lead to infection. Before the catheter was completely removed the nurses back filled my bladder with a sterile saline solution but instead of the full 300, at the 200 mark I asked them to stop. I felt full and knew that I could go and did as soon as I could get up out of bed. Problem was, my bladder wasn't empty to begin with...they put in 200 and I put out 550! So they went with plan B, after my next trip to the bathroom they did a bladder scan (looked like a mini ultrasound machine) to check for any fluid and there was none! Woohoo! By this time I had already eaten some food, drank lots of fluid, had the IV removed so my only task left to do was get up and walk around.
Joel had to leave for a while to go home and get Noah off of the bus and off to his destination for the night. Plus the poor guy had to have been bored to no end sitting by my bed. I am sure it was nice to just get out for a while and grab a bite to eat or whatever. For almost my entire stay at the hospital I had a room to myself but shortly after Joel left, I ended up with a roommate for about an hour. Let's see, how do I put this nicely, um, well, okay fine...that was not a pleasant experience at all. My great nurses came to my bedside and kept mouthing that they were sorry. They also whispered to me and told her loudly that she would have her own room within an hour, it was just being cleaned. Now, I'm not sure what she had done but there was lots of sobbing, crying, moaning and when the nurses asked her what her pain scale was from 1 to 10 she shouted, "A 20! A 20! Now give me something!" As if that wasn't bad enough I then had to listen to her and her husband/boyfriend fight about whether or not she should be allowed to use her cell phone, all the crap that he had to go through to get there to be with her and that she should be thankful that he was there at all, who should or shouldn't be allowed to visit and then more people showed up. A friend, a mother (I think) and God knows who else and our rooms ARE NOT BIG. They finally moved her and about two minutes after that some other friend of hers comes running into the room loudly calling out the patients name. I stayed quiet, it wasn't me they were looking for, but she still ripped back my curtain and demanded to know who I was and where the hell was the patient? Seriously, she is lucky that I had just had surgery and that Joel wasn't there. Needless to say, my nurses came rushing in after she was all moved and could not apologize enough for the chaos and swore it wasn't usually that bad.
So why do I tell this little side story...because it put off my walking around. I wanted to walk a bit in my room first then the hallways. I mean, if I was going to get light headed or nauseous or even go down for that matter I wanted it to be in my room, not out in the throws of a busy hospital floor. Once they left, I got up, walked about my room a bit, rested some, then got up and headed out for the hallway. They wanted me doing laps around the floor before they gave me the okay to go home. I knew that my doctor would be back by 5pm so it was my lot in life at that time to walk. So walk I did...well okay, I sort of did this shuffle walk with a blanket wrapped around me in case my gown decided to open while holding a small pillow against my stomach for comfort. I'm sure it was a thing of beauty! Oh and don't forget the hospital issued, gun metal gray, non-slip socks. Be-yew-ti-ful! But despite my beauty, I walked and got my walking papers!
To be continued...
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Surgery Recall Part 1
Note: I started this yesterday thinking I would add to it as the day went on. I find myself napping a lot though so I will break it up into parts...
While it's fresh in my mind I thought I would write a bit about the surgery and how things went. I got to come home last night (Friday) and was resting on my couch by 8pm. That was wonderful! Been resting and recovering since then quite nicely and will get back to that later.
Starting Wednesday morning I was on a restricted diet knowing that I had to start the bowel prep around noon. I pushed that back to around 1pm wanting to make a last minute trip to the grocery store and make sure that Noah got home from school okay. My doctor had warned me that it was going to be unpleasant, that I would hate her and probably want nothing to do with her come Thursday morning. Well, the bowel prep part of it wasn't pleasant by any means but the massive headache and severe nausea that I got about an hour after taking the liquid torture was far worse. Apparently some people can have this reaction but most don't - yeah! lucky me! I was supposed to keep drinking clear liquids until midnight Wednesday then nothing after that. I couldn't even do that, too much nausea. Any nervousness I had about the surgery was pretty much squelched by my desire to be knocked out and relieved of the migraine like headache and massive waves of nausea. We left here at 7am on Thursday, at the hospital by 730am and I was quickly checked in and led back to my pre-op station. I thought, more than once that my head was going to explode from the bright lights overhead. They tried to keep them off as much as possible but had to turn them on for things like putting in my IV fluids. Surgery started a little bit late but almost immediately upon being wheeled into the operating room the anesthesiologist gave me some happy drug and within minutes of that knocked me out. The next thing I knew, the nice gal, whose name I will never ever remember because they gave me some amnesia drug (oh yeah Janet, that was good!), was asking me if I wanted something for the pain. After prying my tongue and lips from my teeth...my goodness was my mouth dry, and begging for a wet swab, I said that if she could give me pain medication then I would take it - now. I remember her asking me on a scale of 1 to 10 where my pain level was and I remember answering 8 but I don't remember the pain. I'm thinking that the amnesia drug did it's stuff! I'm not sure how long I was there but remember them telling me that my surgery lasted a bit longer than expected and was told later by my doctor that my body had a tendency to ooze. They had to stop and mop up the ooze then continue with the surgery. Gross! She then told me that I would be in recovery for while then moved up to my room. I will have to ask Joel exactly when I got out of surgery and then moved from recovery to my room. I don't remember at all.
Note: Just asked Joel...he talked to the doctor at about 1:40, then he met me at my room at about 2:45. So I was in surgery about an hour longer than expected, then an hour in recovery.
I remember being wheeled to my room, wow that was quite a hike! The surgery took place in the new state of the art operating suites in the new Firstenburg Tower and my room was in a completely different wing of the hospital. It felt like the walk lasted forever. I also recall thinking at that time that my headache was gone but not the nausea. UGH! I had that same car sick feeling on the trip to my room as I do on those back winding roads when out driving. It turns out that I don't come out of the anesthesia quite as gracefully as others. I was sick to my stomach and nauseous until around 11pm that night. It wasn't until then that I was finally thinking that I probably won't need to beg for the anti-nausea medication anymore. However, I was still touch and go. At one point during the night the nurse wanted to move me to change the bedding and whatever other torture she wanted to inflict upon me and I'm sorry to report that I wasn't very nice. I at one point told her to let me lay back down or I was going to barf all over her. Nice huh?
They brought in a very simple breakfast on Friday, I can't remember all that was on the tray but mostly liquids with a small bowl of rice cereal. I drank the juice and tried a bite or two of the cereal...it was all I could stomach. Come lunch time I managed to get down the little bit of fruit and half of the bread roll and the juice...but the beef stew stuff was nasty and not going anywhere near my mouth. By the time dinner rolled around I was able to eat a bit more but am still on a limited diet...so some rice, some steamed veggies and a couple sips of coffee was all I had.
...to be continued
While it's fresh in my mind I thought I would write a bit about the surgery and how things went. I got to come home last night (Friday) and was resting on my couch by 8pm. That was wonderful! Been resting and recovering since then quite nicely and will get back to that later.
Starting Wednesday morning I was on a restricted diet knowing that I had to start the bowel prep around noon. I pushed that back to around 1pm wanting to make a last minute trip to the grocery store and make sure that Noah got home from school okay. My doctor had warned me that it was going to be unpleasant, that I would hate her and probably want nothing to do with her come Thursday morning. Well, the bowel prep part of it wasn't pleasant by any means but the massive headache and severe nausea that I got about an hour after taking the liquid torture was far worse. Apparently some people can have this reaction but most don't - yeah! lucky me! I was supposed to keep drinking clear liquids until midnight Wednesday then nothing after that. I couldn't even do that, too much nausea. Any nervousness I had about the surgery was pretty much squelched by my desire to be knocked out and relieved of the migraine like headache and massive waves of nausea. We left here at 7am on Thursday, at the hospital by 730am and I was quickly checked in and led back to my pre-op station. I thought, more than once that my head was going to explode from the bright lights overhead. They tried to keep them off as much as possible but had to turn them on for things like putting in my IV fluids. Surgery started a little bit late but almost immediately upon being wheeled into the operating room the anesthesiologist gave me some happy drug and within minutes of that knocked me out. The next thing I knew, the nice gal, whose name I will never ever remember because they gave me some amnesia drug (oh yeah Janet, that was good!), was asking me if I wanted something for the pain. After prying my tongue and lips from my teeth...my goodness was my mouth dry, and begging for a wet swab, I said that if she could give me pain medication then I would take it - now. I remember her asking me on a scale of 1 to 10 where my pain level was and I remember answering 8 but I don't remember the pain. I'm thinking that the amnesia drug did it's stuff! I'm not sure how long I was there but remember them telling me that my surgery lasted a bit longer than expected and was told later by my doctor that my body had a tendency to ooze. They had to stop and mop up the ooze then continue with the surgery. Gross! She then told me that I would be in recovery for while then moved up to my room. I will have to ask Joel exactly when I got out of surgery and then moved from recovery to my room. I don't remember at all.
Note: Just asked Joel...he talked to the doctor at about 1:40, then he met me at my room at about 2:45. So I was in surgery about an hour longer than expected, then an hour in recovery.
I remember being wheeled to my room, wow that was quite a hike! The surgery took place in the new state of the art operating suites in the new Firstenburg Tower and my room was in a completely different wing of the hospital. It felt like the walk lasted forever. I also recall thinking at that time that my headache was gone but not the nausea. UGH! I had that same car sick feeling on the trip to my room as I do on those back winding roads when out driving. It turns out that I don't come out of the anesthesia quite as gracefully as others. I was sick to my stomach and nauseous until around 11pm that night. It wasn't until then that I was finally thinking that I probably won't need to beg for the anti-nausea medication anymore. However, I was still touch and go. At one point during the night the nurse wanted to move me to change the bedding and whatever other torture she wanted to inflict upon me and I'm sorry to report that I wasn't very nice. I at one point told her to let me lay back down or I was going to barf all over her. Nice huh?
They brought in a very simple breakfast on Friday, I can't remember all that was on the tray but mostly liquids with a small bowl of rice cereal. I drank the juice and tried a bite or two of the cereal...it was all I could stomach. Come lunch time I managed to get down the little bit of fruit and half of the bread roll and the juice...but the beef stew stuff was nasty and not going anywhere near my mouth. By the time dinner rolled around I was able to eat a bit more but am still on a limited diet...so some rice, some steamed veggies and a couple sips of coffee was all I had.
...to be continued
Friday, March 13, 2009
Spring Cleaning
I hope you all don't mind me filling in for Tiffany today...this is just a quick post to let everyone know the surgery was a success. As a matter of fact, when Tiff's surgeon met with me after the surgery to let me know how things went, she mentioned that they "got the uterus out" which I thought was good, but odd to mention since that was kind of the point of the surgery in the first place. But I digress...Tiffany is doing great and well on her way to recovery. She should be coming home tonight (Friday) to an empty house for at least one night of uninterrupted convalescence.
-Joel
-Joel
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Won't Be Long Now
So for about 10 seconds last Friday I wondered if I was doing the right thing...seriously, within minutes I had break through bleeding. All day Saturday I was crampy and spotting then Sunday I spent half the day in bed trying to find a comfortable position to make the pain stop. Recovery will be a pain but the idea of never having to deal with this stuff again is uplifting! I have been commanded by a friend to, "Sit, Stay, and Heal!" upon my return home. I plan and promise to do just that. I'm currently resting now and am hoping for a good nights sleep. Check in is tomorrow at 7:30 with surgery starting at 9:30. They said it should take just under 3 hours. Joel will email family when I am out of recovery and in my room. I will post to the blog as soon as I can after returning home. If you would like a quick email from Joel too just send me your email address. I will check blog/emails one last time before leaving in the morning.
Thanks to everyone for their well wishes, good thoughts, speedy recovery wants and prayers. They mean a lot and they will all go with me in the morning.
Thanks to everyone for their well wishes, good thoughts, speedy recovery wants and prayers. They mean a lot and they will all go with me in the morning.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Pre-Op Appointments
I had two pre-op appointments this week. Yesterday was with the doctor that will be heading up the surgery (my doctor is assisting) and today was with the hospital admissions folks.
With the doctor yesterday we went over health history, any questions that I had, how the surgery will go, expected recovery and potential risks. Exactly what I expected.
Health History: Luckily, myself and my family are overall pretty healthy folks. Nothing major going on so the health history questionnaire went quickly.
Surgery: She said that the hospital staff, herself and anyone else that comes into contact with me next Thursday will ask me what they are doing in surgery. They do this to make sure that I get done what I am supposed to get done - no more, no less. They also want to make sure that I completely understand what's about to happen. She had me repeat at least 4 times what they will be doing. "Complete vaginal hysterectomy with removal of both ovaries, uterus and cervix. Vaginal wall prolapse repair using tendons from uterus that is being removed along with rectocele repair. All surgery will take place vaginally with the understanding that they will go in through the abdomen if needed to complete the surgery." The doctor also said that she wants me, because of the rectocele repair, to do a bowel prep. She apologized profusely and told me that cursing her and hating her is to be expected. I will be taking something that will clean me out completely from gut to butt. Ha! That rhymed.
Recovery: I will come out of surgery, go to recovery room, once I'm awake enough to be moved, I will be returned to my hospital room. I will spend one night, with vaginal packing and a catheter. The next morning the packing will be removed along with the catheter and as soon as I can urinate I can go home. Once home I am restricted to lifting no more than 10 pounds (a gallon of milk weighs 8 pounds), rest as much as I feel necessary, pain meds as I feel necessary and as many small walks as I can tolerate. No pulling or pushing. No driving while on narcotic pain medication (duh!) or two weeks post-op. They say that recovery really differs from person to person because no two surgeries/persons are the same. She then said no intercourse for 4-6 weeks, at this I laughed and in my best sarcastic voice said, "really? you mean I can't rush home and bang one out?" I KNOW they have to say things like that but it floors me that they HAVE to. 6-8 weeks for full recovery is expected then my body adjusting and getting my hormones that I will have to take figured out after that. I have a post-op appointment on the 30th of this month also.
Risks: There are always risks with any surgery or medical procedure. She did touch on a few other risks. Like she said, they will be down there with sharp instruments removing, moving and repairing.
****
Today's appointment was at the hospital (SW Washington). They ran through many of the same things that my doctor did but not before I repeated to them exactly what the surgery was going to entail. I didn't quite get it right the first time through (I hadn't had my coffee yet!) so she asked a couple of questions then made me say it again. I was starting to catch on to why my doctor had me practice saying it. They too did a health history questionnaire, I had to disclose any and all medications, vitamins, herbal supplements, over the counter medications like Tylenol or Advil and street drugs that I've been taking or have taken in the last month. She then went through how the day will go next Thursday and what we should expect. She checked all of my personal information and made notes that Joel will be there with me, etc. They then took a urine sample and blood sample to run a gamut of tests. One of the tests they run, and I understand why they do, is a pregnancy test. This made me chuckle and she explained that the doctor doesn't want any surprises. I said, yeah, yeah I completely understand but if I got pregnant while on YAZ and with my husband having a vasectomy then there are a lot of people with questions that will need to be answered. She laughed too. Anyway, today was basically ALL of the paperwork that needed to be done, that way on Thursday I just show up and I am ready to go.
Off to try and finish another post that I've been working on...hopefully will get it posted in the next 24-48 hours.
With the doctor yesterday we went over health history, any questions that I had, how the surgery will go, expected recovery and potential risks. Exactly what I expected.
Health History: Luckily, myself and my family are overall pretty healthy folks. Nothing major going on so the health history questionnaire went quickly.
Surgery: She said that the hospital staff, herself and anyone else that comes into contact with me next Thursday will ask me what they are doing in surgery. They do this to make sure that I get done what I am supposed to get done - no more, no less. They also want to make sure that I completely understand what's about to happen. She had me repeat at least 4 times what they will be doing. "Complete vaginal hysterectomy with removal of both ovaries, uterus and cervix. Vaginal wall prolapse repair using tendons from uterus that is being removed along with rectocele repair. All surgery will take place vaginally with the understanding that they will go in through the abdomen if needed to complete the surgery." The doctor also said that she wants me, because of the rectocele repair, to do a bowel prep. She apologized profusely and told me that cursing her and hating her is to be expected. I will be taking something that will clean me out completely from gut to butt. Ha! That rhymed.
Recovery: I will come out of surgery, go to recovery room, once I'm awake enough to be moved, I will be returned to my hospital room. I will spend one night, with vaginal packing and a catheter. The next morning the packing will be removed along with the catheter and as soon as I can urinate I can go home. Once home I am restricted to lifting no more than 10 pounds (a gallon of milk weighs 8 pounds), rest as much as I feel necessary, pain meds as I feel necessary and as many small walks as I can tolerate. No pulling or pushing. No driving while on narcotic pain medication (duh!) or two weeks post-op. They say that recovery really differs from person to person because no two surgeries/persons are the same. She then said no intercourse for 4-6 weeks, at this I laughed and in my best sarcastic voice said, "really? you mean I can't rush home and bang one out?" I KNOW they have to say things like that but it floors me that they HAVE to. 6-8 weeks for full recovery is expected then my body adjusting and getting my hormones that I will have to take figured out after that. I have a post-op appointment on the 30th of this month also.
Risks: There are always risks with any surgery or medical procedure. She did touch on a few other risks. Like she said, they will be down there with sharp instruments removing, moving and repairing.
****
Today's appointment was at the hospital (SW Washington). They ran through many of the same things that my doctor did but not before I repeated to them exactly what the surgery was going to entail. I didn't quite get it right the first time through (I hadn't had my coffee yet!) so she asked a couple of questions then made me say it again. I was starting to catch on to why my doctor had me practice saying it. They too did a health history questionnaire, I had to disclose any and all medications, vitamins, herbal supplements, over the counter medications like Tylenol or Advil and street drugs that I've been taking or have taken in the last month. She then went through how the day will go next Thursday and what we should expect. She checked all of my personal information and made notes that Joel will be there with me, etc. They then took a urine sample and blood sample to run a gamut of tests. One of the tests they run, and I understand why they do, is a pregnancy test. This made me chuckle and she explained that the doctor doesn't want any surprises. I said, yeah, yeah I completely understand but if I got pregnant while on YAZ and with my husband having a vasectomy then there are a lot of people with questions that will need to be answered. She laughed too. Anyway, today was basically ALL of the paperwork that needed to be done, that way on Thursday I just show up and I am ready to go.
Off to try and finish another post that I've been working on...hopefully will get it posted in the next 24-48 hours.
Monday, March 2, 2009
MUDdled
The boys...I'll talk about Noah first, then, hopefully Oliver in the next couple of days. I also have my pre-op appointment this Thursday.
Editor's note: Life was not like this all the time. We still had some great fun and some great times. There was just this underlying current that lingered about and made it's presence known. I don't want anyone thinking that what you are about to read was what went on all the time. However, thanks to an email that I just go, something that still should be shared.
This has been a tough one for me. I get an idea or start to type then I stop because I just don't want to think about the past couple of years. Not that I've done anything horrible but I haven't been myself and for that I feel guilty. They deserve their mommy, not some shadow of who she is or was.
Noah is a good kid. He is also a very smart kid that uses his brain to test me everyday. Most of it is asking me questions until I no longer have any clue how to answer them. I've learned just as much, if not more from looking up and answering his questions than I did in school. Other times he is just testing me to see just how much he can get away with before he is sent to his room or loses some of his allowance. However, along with that smart brain of his comes a slough of emotions. One of his EXCEL directors once explained it to me this way. Most people/kids will be presented with a task/problem/question/etc. and have one or two ideas or solutions, think of it as someone walking one or two dogs. Then there are people/kids like Noah that when presented with the same task/problem/question/etc. and their brain goes into overdrive and they will have 9, 10 or even more solutions/questions/ideas/etc...think of it as them walking 9, 10 or more dogs. The one or two dogs may try to pull you and get their way but you can still control them, rein them in so to speak and get them under control. Once you are up to 9, 10 or more dogs and they are pulling you in just as many directions it becomes much harder if not impossible for a someone, especially a child, to control. With the right tools, as Noah gets older, he will learn to control the pack of dogs and organize them into a well thought out solution. For now, however, he doesn't know what to do with all of that mumbo jumbo in his head and it often comes out in the form of frustrated tears.
I tell you the above because it was very difficult for me to understand and deal with those frustrated tears coming from my boy. Some days I would hide in the bathroom and cry because I had no idea how I was going to help him. The days that I was depressed and not feeling good about myself to begin with were really bad. When I feel this bad about myself how am I going to teach my kid to be confident in who he is and the way that his brain works? Other days I couldn't stand it, the days that I could feel my anger/irritation taking over were horrible. I just wanted to yell at him to stop with the stupid crying, how could someone so smart get so upset over something that seemed so damn trivial?!? I would feel guilty because I would wish on those days that he was never that smart. What a horrible thing to wish for your kid! I wanted him to just be one of those kids that would be happy with playing in the mud NOT the kid that wanted to know the origin of the mud, the makeup of the mud, where I thought the mud in our backyard came from, etc. For crying out loud, just play in the mud I don't know how much ash from the 1980 St. Helen's eruption is in our mud! The good thing is that I knew that what I was feeling/thinking was just not right, not me, not something that Noah needed to hear so I kept it to myself. I know that he could tell that I was sad or angry or irritated and I'm sure that his emotions fed off of mine. I am sure that he cried more trying to figure out what was up with me. (deep sigh)
So, knowing that I had a hard time controlling my emotions and dealing with Noah I really, in essence, believe that I pushed him away. I would know it was going to be a bad day so, if he wasn't at school, I would shove him outside to play with his friends a lot, take him to Blockbuster real quick in hopes that he would find a game or a video to keep him occupied for most of the day. I would buy him new Legos or books knowing that he would want to build or read and I could make excuses up so that I wouldn't have to help him. Distance between the two of us meant that I was much less likely to spend the day crying at my inability to help him or blow my top and say something that I would regret and hate myself for. Now, don't get me wrong, just like any parent he (and his brother) would just push and push and push and I would snap, send them to their room, toss out one of those stupid threats that no parent can follow through on like, "GO TO YOUR ROOM and you aren't coming out until you're 18!!" I am a parent after all.
Knowing that I couldn't deal with Noah and that I pushed him away like I did I silently turned on Joel. In my head I convinced myself that he should have picked up on all of this, that he should have sensed that I and Noah needed help. He is much like Noah after all...too smart for his own good. I needed him to step up to the plate and take control, to help encourage Noah, to untangle some of those leashes, etc. However, I never once said this out loud. Never once told him, therefore, never once gave him the opportunity to help me or Noah...not in a productive manner anyway. It is unrealistic of me to think, though, that Joel will never become frustrated with Noah. That because they are two peas in a pod that he should know exactly how to help Noah. Those two are so much alike personality wise that it's scary! Anyway, I knew or thought that I was no good to Noah so when Joel would snap at him or get frustrated with him I would, again all inside, turn into a very angry and protective mama bear! My brain would literally roar with anger, how dare he treat my baby that way! I would clench my jaw to the point of pain and see red...deep angry red. Again, knowing that this was not a good reaction or even a reasonable one I would walk away and not say a thing. I KNEW that what I was feeling was not right, not reasonable, not me but I couldn't stop it, couldn't control it. So not only was I distancing myself from Noah, I was distancing myself from Joel.
As said in the beginning of this post, Noah is a smart kid. Even if he didn't know what was going on with me he could feel it and sense it. I look back now and my heart literally hurts knowing that at times he cried, not because I wouldn't help him figure out the percentage of ash in our backyard mud but because I just wasn't there for him and he needed me.
Let me say again that this wasn't a quick overnight thing that happened. It got worse slowly, over time, so a part of me still felt that this was just who I was now. That it was normal married with kid stuff, that there was nothing wrong with me and nothing that could be done to change my life or how I felt about it. That over time, as our marriage matured and the boys got older things would change, right? Get better, right? I know differently now. I feel differently now.
Editor's note: Life was not like this all the time. We still had some great fun and some great times. There was just this underlying current that lingered about and made it's presence known. I don't want anyone thinking that what you are about to read was what went on all the time. However, thanks to an email that I just go, something that still should be shared.
This has been a tough one for me. I get an idea or start to type then I stop because I just don't want to think about the past couple of years. Not that I've done anything horrible but I haven't been myself and for that I feel guilty. They deserve their mommy, not some shadow of who she is or was.
Noah is a good kid. He is also a very smart kid that uses his brain to test me everyday. Most of it is asking me questions until I no longer have any clue how to answer them. I've learned just as much, if not more from looking up and answering his questions than I did in school. Other times he is just testing me to see just how much he can get away with before he is sent to his room or loses some of his allowance. However, along with that smart brain of his comes a slough of emotions. One of his EXCEL directors once explained it to me this way. Most people/kids will be presented with a task/problem/question/etc. and have one or two ideas or solutions, think of it as someone walking one or two dogs. Then there are people/kids like Noah that when presented with the same task/problem/question/etc. and their brain goes into overdrive and they will have 9, 10 or even more solutions/questions/ideas/etc...think of it as them walking 9, 10 or more dogs. The one or two dogs may try to pull you and get their way but you can still control them, rein them in so to speak and get them under control. Once you are up to 9, 10 or more dogs and they are pulling you in just as many directions it becomes much harder if not impossible for a someone, especially a child, to control. With the right tools, as Noah gets older, he will learn to control the pack of dogs and organize them into a well thought out solution. For now, however, he doesn't know what to do with all of that mumbo jumbo in his head and it often comes out in the form of frustrated tears.
I tell you the above because it was very difficult for me to understand and deal with those frustrated tears coming from my boy. Some days I would hide in the bathroom and cry because I had no idea how I was going to help him. The days that I was depressed and not feeling good about myself to begin with were really bad. When I feel this bad about myself how am I going to teach my kid to be confident in who he is and the way that his brain works? Other days I couldn't stand it, the days that I could feel my anger/irritation taking over were horrible. I just wanted to yell at him to stop with the stupid crying, how could someone so smart get so upset over something that seemed so damn trivial?!? I would feel guilty because I would wish on those days that he was never that smart. What a horrible thing to wish for your kid! I wanted him to just be one of those kids that would be happy with playing in the mud NOT the kid that wanted to know the origin of the mud, the makeup of the mud, where I thought the mud in our backyard came from, etc. For crying out loud, just play in the mud I don't know how much ash from the 1980 St. Helen's eruption is in our mud! The good thing is that I knew that what I was feeling/thinking was just not right, not me, not something that Noah needed to hear so I kept it to myself. I know that he could tell that I was sad or angry or irritated and I'm sure that his emotions fed off of mine. I am sure that he cried more trying to figure out what was up with me. (deep sigh)
So, knowing that I had a hard time controlling my emotions and dealing with Noah I really, in essence, believe that I pushed him away. I would know it was going to be a bad day so, if he wasn't at school, I would shove him outside to play with his friends a lot, take him to Blockbuster real quick in hopes that he would find a game or a video to keep him occupied for most of the day. I would buy him new Legos or books knowing that he would want to build or read and I could make excuses up so that I wouldn't have to help him. Distance between the two of us meant that I was much less likely to spend the day crying at my inability to help him or blow my top and say something that I would regret and hate myself for. Now, don't get me wrong, just like any parent he (and his brother) would just push and push and push and I would snap, send them to their room, toss out one of those stupid threats that no parent can follow through on like, "GO TO YOUR ROOM and you aren't coming out until you're 18!!" I am a parent after all.
Knowing that I couldn't deal with Noah and that I pushed him away like I did I silently turned on Joel. In my head I convinced myself that he should have picked up on all of this, that he should have sensed that I and Noah needed help. He is much like Noah after all...too smart for his own good. I needed him to step up to the plate and take control, to help encourage Noah, to untangle some of those leashes, etc. However, I never once said this out loud. Never once told him, therefore, never once gave him the opportunity to help me or Noah...not in a productive manner anyway. It is unrealistic of me to think, though, that Joel will never become frustrated with Noah. That because they are two peas in a pod that he should know exactly how to help Noah. Those two are so much alike personality wise that it's scary! Anyway, I knew or thought that I was no good to Noah so when Joel would snap at him or get frustrated with him I would, again all inside, turn into a very angry and protective mama bear! My brain would literally roar with anger, how dare he treat my baby that way! I would clench my jaw to the point of pain and see red...deep angry red. Again, knowing that this was not a good reaction or even a reasonable one I would walk away and not say a thing. I KNEW that what I was feeling was not right, not reasonable, not me but I couldn't stop it, couldn't control it. So not only was I distancing myself from Noah, I was distancing myself from Joel.
As said in the beginning of this post, Noah is a smart kid. Even if he didn't know what was going on with me he could feel it and sense it. I look back now and my heart literally hurts knowing that at times he cried, not because I wouldn't help him figure out the percentage of ash in our backyard mud but because I just wasn't there for him and he needed me.
Let me say again that this wasn't a quick overnight thing that happened. It got worse slowly, over time, so a part of me still felt that this was just who I was now. That it was normal married with kid stuff, that there was nothing wrong with me and nothing that could be done to change my life or how I felt about it. That over time, as our marriage matured and the boys got older things would change, right? Get better, right? I know differently now. I feel differently now.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Yawn
I've been struggling with some insomnia this past week so it's been difficult to put together a post. I will get back to it as soon as I can...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A Story From Another
I am still working on another post about the anger stuff, until then here is someone else's story...
My story takes place almost 30 years ago. I don’t remember when I started having problems, I just remember when it finally got to a point I couldn’t handle it any longer. My periods had always been long and heavy. 7 days was not unusual, in fact pretty typical. I can’t prove anything, but the more I think about things, the more I honestly think starting to use tampons may have had something to do with my problems. Can’t prove anything, but I didn’t have any problems before that. (And it was just recently I came to that conclusion). As I said, they had always been long and heavy, but I had never had a lot of the typical ‘symptoms’- bloating, cramps, mood swings, etc.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Ovarian Mind Control
I've had a couple of requests from people to talk more about the emotional side of things. I told a friend this morning that I was having difficulty with this. Not because I don't have anything to write but because I have a hard time organizing it into a readable post. I find myself starting off on one thing and in writing about it I go off on little tangents. I have to stop, find what I was thinking/writing about and go back to it.
Since Amy specifically mentioned the anger part of things I am going to try and focus on that first. Pardon my rambling because it's bound to happen.
I said before that I never really realized just how bad things got, not until I got back onto birth control. Now that I've been on birth control for about six months and I look back it scares me a bit. I don't ever want to go back to that because it was not me. I am normally a tough gal to upset, I'm not one to just go off on people, I don't, to coin a catch phrase, sweat the small stuff. That's not to say that I never get to that point but it usually takes quite a bit. I'm usually pretty good at just finding the good or positive in things too. If I couldn't then eh, it's still, in the end, probably not going to change how my life turns out overall. I could/would weigh the pros vs. cons and let it go. Again, that's not to say that it never upset me or got to me but I would usually gripe to Joel or a friend like Steph and I'd be done with it. I also confronted people at times, but mostly in a manner that wasn't an in your face threatening kind of manner, just a, do you really want to go there, kind of manner? Or I would simply ask a question and walk away leaving them there to think about what they just did or said.
That being said, things have been a lot different the past few years. Lets start with Joel or at least use an example... a few years ago I took a bunch of little pieces of paper and wrote one word reasons on each one explaining why I fell in love with him. At the time, I did it for him just because I wanted to and who can't use a reminder like that every once in a while. I found, though, that the list/pieces of paper were also good for me. It made not sweating the small stuff even easier. Yeah, this little thing might be driving me crazy but look at all the other reasons to just let it go and love him even more. By the way, even though I didn't add to the pile (just never wrote them down for him), that pile of little pieces of paper keeps growing. So why tell you about this? Because there were more and more days that I never thought about those reminders. Instead my mind kicked those aside and would just stew over stuff. I got to the point that I seriously thought that if Joel were to make a top 10 list of important things to him that I would rate somewhere in the 20's. I failed to see what he was doing for me and focused on the things that he didn't...even if they were stupid little things like not telling me he just put the last roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. My mind would take something like this and think destructive things like...
what the hell? am I a mind reader? does he want me to fail as wife and mother? there is no way that if were to use the last whatever at work that he wouldn't tell somewhere there! how do I rate? where do I rate? does he not love and respect me enough anymore to do something as simple as telling me that he just put the last roll of toilet paper in the bathroom? what if someone stopped by and I had no toilet paper for them? if I can't keep stupid toilet paper stocked in the bathrooms what are they going to think about the rest of my life?
This would go on and on. On the good days I could stop myself and eventually let it go and some days it would be there nagging at me all day. I can kind of describe it like in the cartoons when they have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. My angel would be the one to try and talk me back and my devil would take me off on these tangents. That poor little angel got it's ass kicked!
Side note: Joel is the man when it comes to telling me things like using the last roll of toilet paper, it makes the above that much more ridiculous!
So anyway, if I would go off on a tirade like this over something as stupid as toilet paper can you just imagine where my mind went with other things? This was on the really bad days, usually the week that led up to the start of my period. Staying positive, however, after 7-10 days of beating myself up became harder as time went on. I can honestly say that good days were down to just one or two a month before doing something about it. Here's the really bad thing, I kept this all inside. I might gripe to Steph some but for the most part I just shoved it back down inside and let it fester. Nothing like a big ol' pile of festering goo to start the day off right! It got to the point that I just shut Joel out. I may have tried to reach out a couple of times but I always pulled back. I guess that there was a always a part of me that knew this just wasn't me. Letting Joel know that I was thinking like that, or anyone else for that matter scared me. I was/am a stronger person than that, it seemed very weak to me that I let myself think that way. This, I am finding, is a very difficult habit to break. Even though I am at a better place now with my hormones being regulated I find myself heading down that irritated and angry path. But unlike before, I can quickly realize what I'm doing and change my thought process. By the way, Joel is a logic driven person, I laugh now thinking about what Joel's face/reaction might have been had I said the above TP rant out loud!
After living with crud like that filling my head I just became an angry person overall. Short with the boys (ugh that kills me to write), short with strangers, short with doctors and my dentists...seriously, people just irritated me much more than they had ever before. I also had no problem letting them know that they were irritating/angering me. Going off on them, people I didn't know, made it easier to keep it all inside and hide it from my friends and family. I remember thinking one day that it was obvious that I needed to do something when I went off on another shopper in Fred Meyers.
I somehow kept ending up in the same aisles with the same lady. She is one of those people that has no clue about the space around her...stop the cart in the middle of the aisle, maybe even askew a bit to block the left side of the aisle completely while she stands on the right side browsing the shelves essentially blocking the entire aisle. People would pile up behind her and have to ask repeatedly for her to move so we all could get by then she would finally realize that she what she was doing, give a little giggle, "he he sorry." Come on grocery shoppers, you know what I'm talking about right? Well on the third of fourth aisle of getting blocked I lost it. I think I said something like, "What the hell lady? Did you come to the store today to purposely frustrate all of us that would come into contact with you? How many times do you have to block the aisle and be asked to move out of the freakin' way before you get it? Move, move, move, move, move, puh-lease!?!?" She stood there stunned (that's a shocker no?) and instead of apologizing as I should have, I just shoved her cart out of the way and stormed away.
THAT IS/WAS NOT ME PEOPLE. As I was storming away all I could think was that I had become a totally hideous person, who the hell was I and why couldn't I control myself? I was, in my mind, turning into Jekyll and Hyde. The real me would have laughed the second time and inspected the remaining aisles before going down them and just moved on had she been down there. Let her do what she needed to do to finish her shopping and done what I needed to do to finish mine.
Yikes! That's all I have to say about that stuff for now. Who knew that my ovaries could have such control over my mind?
I also mentioned being short with the boys, I will talk about this but will save it for the next post...also know that these are just a couple of examples. I could probably blog for days about the anger/irritation that I've felt for far too long. I also want to say that I wasn't angry all the time. I also spent days just bummed/depressed. On those days you probably could have walked up to me and slapped me across the face and I would have just turned and walked away thinking that I deserved it. Then there were other days that I just didn't feel at all. I just did stuff because I had to. Fed the family because they were hungry, did laundry because they needed clothes, took the van in for an oil change because it was time...no feelings, no smiling, no laughing, no crying, just complete numbness. Like a huge dose of Novocaine had been administered in the morning, still awake but couldn't feel a thing.
Phew, that was uplifting! Go hug your spouse, friends, kids, whoever and just tell them that you love them! It's bound to get a smile or two.
Since Amy specifically mentioned the anger part of things I am going to try and focus on that first. Pardon my rambling because it's bound to happen.
I said before that I never really realized just how bad things got, not until I got back onto birth control. Now that I've been on birth control for about six months and I look back it scares me a bit. I don't ever want to go back to that because it was not me. I am normally a tough gal to upset, I'm not one to just go off on people, I don't, to coin a catch phrase, sweat the small stuff. That's not to say that I never get to that point but it usually takes quite a bit. I'm usually pretty good at just finding the good or positive in things too. If I couldn't then eh, it's still, in the end, probably not going to change how my life turns out overall. I could/would weigh the pros vs. cons and let it go. Again, that's not to say that it never upset me or got to me but I would usually gripe to Joel or a friend like Steph and I'd be done with it. I also confronted people at times, but mostly in a manner that wasn't an in your face threatening kind of manner, just a, do you really want to go there, kind of manner? Or I would simply ask a question and walk away leaving them there to think about what they just did or said.
That being said, things have been a lot different the past few years. Lets start with Joel or at least use an example... a few years ago I took a bunch of little pieces of paper and wrote one word reasons on each one explaining why I fell in love with him. At the time, I did it for him just because I wanted to and who can't use a reminder like that every once in a while. I found, though, that the list/pieces of paper were also good for me. It made not sweating the small stuff even easier. Yeah, this little thing might be driving me crazy but look at all the other reasons to just let it go and love him even more. By the way, even though I didn't add to the pile (just never wrote them down for him), that pile of little pieces of paper keeps growing. So why tell you about this? Because there were more and more days that I never thought about those reminders. Instead my mind kicked those aside and would just stew over stuff. I got to the point that I seriously thought that if Joel were to make a top 10 list of important things to him that I would rate somewhere in the 20's. I failed to see what he was doing for me and focused on the things that he didn't...even if they were stupid little things like not telling me he just put the last roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. My mind would take something like this and think destructive things like...
what the hell? am I a mind reader? does he want me to fail as wife and mother? there is no way that if were to use the last whatever at work that he wouldn't tell somewhere there! how do I rate? where do I rate? does he not love and respect me enough anymore to do something as simple as telling me that he just put the last roll of toilet paper in the bathroom? what if someone stopped by and I had no toilet paper for them? if I can't keep stupid toilet paper stocked in the bathrooms what are they going to think about the rest of my life?
This would go on and on. On the good days I could stop myself and eventually let it go and some days it would be there nagging at me all day. I can kind of describe it like in the cartoons when they have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. My angel would be the one to try and talk me back and my devil would take me off on these tangents. That poor little angel got it's ass kicked!
Side note: Joel is the man when it comes to telling me things like using the last roll of toilet paper, it makes the above that much more ridiculous!
So anyway, if I would go off on a tirade like this over something as stupid as toilet paper can you just imagine where my mind went with other things? This was on the really bad days, usually the week that led up to the start of my period. Staying positive, however, after 7-10 days of beating myself up became harder as time went on. I can honestly say that good days were down to just one or two a month before doing something about it. Here's the really bad thing, I kept this all inside. I might gripe to Steph some but for the most part I just shoved it back down inside and let it fester. Nothing like a big ol' pile of festering goo to start the day off right! It got to the point that I just shut Joel out. I may have tried to reach out a couple of times but I always pulled back. I guess that there was a always a part of me that knew this just wasn't me. Letting Joel know that I was thinking like that, or anyone else for that matter scared me. I was/am a stronger person than that, it seemed very weak to me that I let myself think that way. This, I am finding, is a very difficult habit to break. Even though I am at a better place now with my hormones being regulated I find myself heading down that irritated and angry path. But unlike before, I can quickly realize what I'm doing and change my thought process. By the way, Joel is a logic driven person, I laugh now thinking about what Joel's face/reaction might have been had I said the above TP rant out loud!
After living with crud like that filling my head I just became an angry person overall. Short with the boys (ugh that kills me to write), short with strangers, short with doctors and my dentists...seriously, people just irritated me much more than they had ever before. I also had no problem letting them know that they were irritating/angering me. Going off on them, people I didn't know, made it easier to keep it all inside and hide it from my friends and family. I remember thinking one day that it was obvious that I needed to do something when I went off on another shopper in Fred Meyers.
I somehow kept ending up in the same aisles with the same lady. She is one of those people that has no clue about the space around her...stop the cart in the middle of the aisle, maybe even askew a bit to block the left side of the aisle completely while she stands on the right side browsing the shelves essentially blocking the entire aisle. People would pile up behind her and have to ask repeatedly for her to move so we all could get by then she would finally realize that she what she was doing, give a little giggle, "he he sorry." Come on grocery shoppers, you know what I'm talking about right? Well on the third of fourth aisle of getting blocked I lost it. I think I said something like, "What the hell lady? Did you come to the store today to purposely frustrate all of us that would come into contact with you? How many times do you have to block the aisle and be asked to move out of the freakin' way before you get it? Move, move, move, move, move, puh-lease!?!?" She stood there stunned (that's a shocker no?) and instead of apologizing as I should have, I just shoved her cart out of the way and stormed away.
THAT IS/WAS NOT ME PEOPLE. As I was storming away all I could think was that I had become a totally hideous person, who the hell was I and why couldn't I control myself? I was, in my mind, turning into Jekyll and Hyde. The real me would have laughed the second time and inspected the remaining aisles before going down them and just moved on had she been down there. Let her do what she needed to do to finish her shopping and done what I needed to do to finish mine.
Yikes! That's all I have to say about that stuff for now. Who knew that my ovaries could have such control over my mind?
I also mentioned being short with the boys, I will talk about this but will save it for the next post...also know that these are just a couple of examples. I could probably blog for days about the anger/irritation that I've felt for far too long. I also want to say that I wasn't angry all the time. I also spent days just bummed/depressed. On those days you probably could have walked up to me and slapped me across the face and I would have just turned and walked away thinking that I deserved it. Then there were other days that I just didn't feel at all. I just did stuff because I had to. Fed the family because they were hungry, did laundry because they needed clothes, took the van in for an oil change because it was time...no feelings, no smiling, no laughing, no crying, just complete numbness. Like a huge dose of Novocaine had been administered in the morning, still awake but couldn't feel a thing.
Phew, that was uplifting! Go hug your spouse, friends, kids, whoever and just tell them that you love them! It's bound to get a smile or two.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Stuff and Junk
"Stuff and junk" is how Joel and I describe a menagerie of things that may be going on at anyone time, I figured it would be fitting for this post too. I've been trying to figure out what to post next. Should I go into certain parts of my struggle more deeply? Should I blog about how I'm feeling daily? I just am not sure which way to take it and this is where YOU come in! I thought that I would open it up and ask if there is anything that you would like to know more about? Don't be afraid to ask, I've put this blog here to open up and share. You can email me personally or leave an anonymous question if you like. If I don't get any questions then I'll figure something out.
I also want to give anyone the opportunity, if they wish, to write a post about their own struggles. Type it up, email it to me and I will post it here. I am positive that others have been through things that we could all learn from and/or be inspired by. Or what about things like the Diva Cup? Do you have something like that you could share with us?
This may not be that interesting to some but hey it's a post about stuff and junk so here we go. I started my period today. I've been dealing with the hormone ups and downs, the cramping, the overall blah feeling that comes with the anemia but then I realized something. If all goes according to plan, this will be my last period! My last doubling over with cramping, no energy, emotional roller coaster, stuck in the house, period. I'm not looking forward to the surgery or recovery but the prospect of not having to deal with this again is uplifting. I told Joel I felt like I should be throwing a party or celebrating somehow. He, in his logical way, says, "why don't we just get through the surgery and recovery first, then we'll talk parties." Fine!
I am starting to get a little bit nervous about the recovery from the surgery. I have my pre-op appointment on March 5th. If I remember correctly, although it's not been officially determined yet, that it will be a cesarean or abdominal cut because they will be taking my ovaries. The surgery doesn't bother me nor does the idea of the abdominal cut what does worry me is Oliver. That boy loves to be near me...on my lap, on my back, next to me, climbing on me, wrestling with me, etc. The idea of those tiny but hard and pointy elbows and knees bumping into my stomach makes me shiver. I am worried that he just won't understand and the idea of telling him that he can't sit on my lap and snuggle for a while kills me. Yeah he can snuggle beside me but his favorite is to sit on my lap sideways and tuck his cute little head in under my chin. I'm sure we will figure something out.
So there you have it, a little bit of stuff and junk...
I also want to give anyone the opportunity, if they wish, to write a post about their own struggles. Type it up, email it to me and I will post it here. I am positive that others have been through things that we could all learn from and/or be inspired by. Or what about things like the Diva Cup? Do you have something like that you could share with us?
This may not be that interesting to some but hey it's a post about stuff and junk so here we go. I started my period today. I've been dealing with the hormone ups and downs, the cramping, the overall blah feeling that comes with the anemia but then I realized something. If all goes according to plan, this will be my last period! My last doubling over with cramping, no energy, emotional roller coaster, stuck in the house, period. I'm not looking forward to the surgery or recovery but the prospect of not having to deal with this again is uplifting. I told Joel I felt like I should be throwing a party or celebrating somehow. He, in his logical way, says, "why don't we just get through the surgery and recovery first, then we'll talk parties." Fine!
I am starting to get a little bit nervous about the recovery from the surgery. I have my pre-op appointment on March 5th. If I remember correctly, although it's not been officially determined yet, that it will be a cesarean or abdominal cut because they will be taking my ovaries. The surgery doesn't bother me nor does the idea of the abdominal cut what does worry me is Oliver. That boy loves to be near me...on my lap, on my back, next to me, climbing on me, wrestling with me, etc. The idea of those tiny but hard and pointy elbows and knees bumping into my stomach makes me shiver. I am worried that he just won't understand and the idea of telling him that he can't sit on my lap and snuggle for a while kills me. Yeah he can snuggle beside me but his favorite is to sit on my lap sideways and tuck his cute little head in under my chin. I'm sure we will figure something out.
So there you have it, a little bit of stuff and junk...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
My Decision
In case you missed the little blurb, my surgery is scheduled for Thursday March 12. I figure I would tell you why I decided to go with the hysterectomy.
My doctor and I talked some about other options that I had besides the hysterectomy. One of the items she described to me is called a pessary. She described it as being similar to the outer ring of a diaphragm, made of plastic or silicone and used to support the uterus, vagina and/or bladder. It is a very common treatment to help with prolapse. They can be temporary or permanent, must be fitted by your doctor and most can be worn during intercourse. Although, if desired and you have the temporarily placed pessary you can remove them. The pessary would only deal with the issue of my prolapse though and that bothered me. Not to mention, that the idea of something constantly being in place to hold my uterus up just didn't sound comfortable. I am sure that, with correct a fitting device, you wouldn't notice it much if at all but the idea of it still nagged at me. I also conjured up visions of recurring yeast infections. I asked my doctor about it and she said that it wasn't likely but some people could be more sensitive than others so there was a chance of it. I've never had problems with yeast infections so it probably wouldn't have been an issue. I think my biggest concern with this was that it only corrected one part of my problem.
So to help with the bleeding and hormone fluctuations, I went back on the pill. This has worked some but as mentioned, created other problems. I could try other pills or hormones and may be able to find something that would work for me. So between the pessary and hormone treatment I could not have the surgery and check back in a year or two and re-evaluate my situation. One thing that kept popping up in my mind is that there is a family history, on my mom's side, of hemorrhaging. Again, after talking to my doctor, she said that without a crystal ball she could not say if I would hemorrhage like other women in my family but it definitely appeared that I was heading down that path. She then said that I needed to decide, if I was leaning towards a hysterectomy, if I would rather wait until the possible hemorrhage occurred and I had to have an emergency procedure/surgery with whoever happened to be on hand OR make that decision for myself and hand pick my surgical team. Again, without the crystal ball to see into the future, I will never know if that would happen but it was something to think about.
We also talked about the ablation procedure to help with the bleeding. This is less invasive, could be done in the doctors office and had less recovery time. This however did not help with the prolapse, hormone issues, cramping, etc. There was also the possibility that my uterus would heal itself (still confused on how that could happen but I'm not the doctor) and that I would eventually end right back where I am.
The ONLY procedure that would eliminate the bleeding, the cramping, the prolapse, the hormone issues, etc. was the hysterectomy. Don't get me wrong, I've thought a lot about it and if this really was best for me and in the end I truly believe it is. For those of you wondering, I am going to have my ovaries removed too. This was another discussion that went on for a while. Pros and cons of both but I decided, in the end, to remove them because of the severe PMS/PMDD. The only way to eliminate it completely was to remove the culprits. Now this means that I will still have to be on some sort of hormone treatment for about ten years BUT I would have to be on some sort of hormone treatment for the next ten years or so to treat the PMS/PMDD anyway. With my ovaries gone, my hormone levels will be controlled by me and my doctor. There is also less of a chance of ovarian cancer, because it is impossible for the doctors to get every last little cell of the ovaries there is still a slight chance that I (or any woman with her ovaries removed) could get ovarian cancer but the likelihood is significantly lower.
There are other risks involved with surgery, as there is with any surgery, but I have a great doctor and great team of doctors that will be doing my surgery. Side note: my doctor told me outright that she would not perform my hysterectomy and prolapse repair because she knew a doctor that was much better at the prolapse part than she was. How can you not love my doctor? But don't worry, she will be there assisting and making sure that things go as they should. I'm not sure that some of the other doctors that I've seen would have been as honest.
My doctor and I talked some about other options that I had besides the hysterectomy. One of the items she described to me is called a pessary. She described it as being similar to the outer ring of a diaphragm, made of plastic or silicone and used to support the uterus, vagina and/or bladder. It is a very common treatment to help with prolapse. They can be temporary or permanent, must be fitted by your doctor and most can be worn during intercourse. Although, if desired and you have the temporarily placed pessary you can remove them. The pessary would only deal with the issue of my prolapse though and that bothered me. Not to mention, that the idea of something constantly being in place to hold my uterus up just didn't sound comfortable. I am sure that, with correct a fitting device, you wouldn't notice it much if at all but the idea of it still nagged at me. I also conjured up visions of recurring yeast infections. I asked my doctor about it and she said that it wasn't likely but some people could be more sensitive than others so there was a chance of it. I've never had problems with yeast infections so it probably wouldn't have been an issue. I think my biggest concern with this was that it only corrected one part of my problem.
So to help with the bleeding and hormone fluctuations, I went back on the pill. This has worked some but as mentioned, created other problems. I could try other pills or hormones and may be able to find something that would work for me. So between the pessary and hormone treatment I could not have the surgery and check back in a year or two and re-evaluate my situation. One thing that kept popping up in my mind is that there is a family history, on my mom's side, of hemorrhaging. Again, after talking to my doctor, she said that without a crystal ball she could not say if I would hemorrhage like other women in my family but it definitely appeared that I was heading down that path. She then said that I needed to decide, if I was leaning towards a hysterectomy, if I would rather wait until the possible hemorrhage occurred and I had to have an emergency procedure/surgery with whoever happened to be on hand OR make that decision for myself and hand pick my surgical team. Again, without the crystal ball to see into the future, I will never know if that would happen but it was something to think about.
We also talked about the ablation procedure to help with the bleeding. This is less invasive, could be done in the doctors office and had less recovery time. This however did not help with the prolapse, hormone issues, cramping, etc. There was also the possibility that my uterus would heal itself (still confused on how that could happen but I'm not the doctor) and that I would eventually end right back where I am.
The ONLY procedure that would eliminate the bleeding, the cramping, the prolapse, the hormone issues, etc. was the hysterectomy. Don't get me wrong, I've thought a lot about it and if this really was best for me and in the end I truly believe it is. For those of you wondering, I am going to have my ovaries removed too. This was another discussion that went on for a while. Pros and cons of both but I decided, in the end, to remove them because of the severe PMS/PMDD. The only way to eliminate it completely was to remove the culprits. Now this means that I will still have to be on some sort of hormone treatment for about ten years BUT I would have to be on some sort of hormone treatment for the next ten years or so to treat the PMS/PMDD anyway. With my ovaries gone, my hormone levels will be controlled by me and my doctor. There is also less of a chance of ovarian cancer, because it is impossible for the doctors to get every last little cell of the ovaries there is still a slight chance that I (or any woman with her ovaries removed) could get ovarian cancer but the likelihood is significantly lower.
There are other risks involved with surgery, as there is with any surgery, but I have a great doctor and great team of doctors that will be doing my surgery. Side note: my doctor told me outright that she would not perform my hysterectomy and prolapse repair because she knew a doctor that was much better at the prolapse part than she was. How can you not love my doctor? But don't worry, she will be there assisting and making sure that things go as they should. I'm not sure that some of the other doctors that I've seen would have been as honest.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Pop That Bubble
Continued from yesterday...
* apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships - yes, the lack of enthusiasm for anything in my life was frightening. Simply put, I often got to a point where I just didn't care. I didn't have the energy to care. I wanted to care but physically and mentally could not make it happen. This is one of those things that is hard for me to explain. So let me give you a simple example. I love to help my boys learn. I have workbooks, games, educational toys and art supplies to help them learn in fun creative ways. I try to do fun stuff with them every day. However, when I am so physically and mentally tired I get to the point that I just don't care. Want to watch another cartoon? How about another video? Anything so that I don't have to move or think. The problem is/was that I never do stop thinking and often I would just feel worse because I knew that what I was doing was not good for anyone but had no idea how to overcome it. The really bad thing is that the worse it got the more difficult it got for me to talk about it and therefore the more I tried to hide from everyone. Why would I want to share with someone that for two days straight I did nothing but convince my toddler to leave me alone until my husband and other son got home then I would use all of the little bit of energy I did have to pretend that all was well. Now that I've been on the pill for almost 6 months and I am feeling a bit more normal I look back and wonder how I could let this get so bad? It's extremely hard not to beat myself up. I know that it happened slowly over the past few years, the worst was in the last year and I just didn't realize that I was slipping slowly. I know that it affected my relationship with Joel and that kills me. I talked and smiled so little at times that I wonder why he put up with it. I know that we have a little bit of a journey to take to get back to being the couple that we can be, but I know now that we can. If you would have asked me a year ago, I probably would have just changed the subject then gone home and cried.
* difficulty concentrating - (some taken from last post) yes, but I argued that this could be the lack of sleep. My doctor gave the look and checked it off. She then said that many symptoms fed off each other and made them worse. This was tough for me. I am a very organized driven person. I like to get the job done and move onto the next. I was having a hard time doing that and the fear of not completing it at all meant that a lot of times I just didn't start it or do it. That wasn't good either! I remember getting my scrapbook stuff out a few times and an hour or two later sit there totally depressed that I couldn't focus my thoughts enough to get even one page done. I used to be able to whip out six months worth of pages in one night. Think about that and it just depressed me even more. To be honest, I haven't touched my stuff in quite a while, I'm afraid to, but don't worry, it's part of my healing plan!
* feeling "out of control" - I felt totally out of control, like I was no longer in charge of my life. I think this really goes without saying.
* increase or decrease in sex drive - decrease but I hid this as well as I could. I didn't want Joel to know. You know that saying, "buck up camper!" yeah, that's pretty much what I told myself. I didn't want to punish Joel for my problems and I knew that he was already stressed out at work so why add to that. I didn't keep him totally in the dark about stuff but I DID NOT share enough. I should have! By writing it down and/or talking it out I might have caught on a little sooner. I used to keep a journal, I wonder if it would have gotten this bad had I continued with that practice. If you are wondering about stuff now, after reading this blog, why not start a blog or journal of your own? Do it for a month or two then look back and look at what you've read.
* increased need for emotional closeness - I actually created an environment that was completely opposite of this but did feel the need for this. Again, not wanting people to realize just how messed up I was I created a little bubble around myself. My problems stayed inside of that bubble and I allowed no one to get close enough to pop that bubble. The thing is though, I desperately wanted someone to just reach out and smash that bubble and pull me out of it. I also had days that I would reach out to pop the bubble myself but pulled back at the last minute. Each time I pulled back that bubble got bigger and it got stronger. To be honest that bubble is still there, it is shrinking and it's getting weaker but it is still there.
The last two posts have, literally, exhausted me. There is so much more on the emotional and/or mental end of things but I am not sure where I am going next. With that being said, I will probably take a day or three off and figure out my next blog move. For those of you that have contacted me, let me just say that I am so proud of you and that you are not alone. Listen, listen, listen to yourselves and your body. Reach out and pop that bubble!
* apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships - yes, the lack of enthusiasm for anything in my life was frightening. Simply put, I often got to a point where I just didn't care. I didn't have the energy to care. I wanted to care but physically and mentally could not make it happen. This is one of those things that is hard for me to explain. So let me give you a simple example. I love to help my boys learn. I have workbooks, games, educational toys and art supplies to help them learn in fun creative ways. I try to do fun stuff with them every day. However, when I am so physically and mentally tired I get to the point that I just don't care. Want to watch another cartoon? How about another video? Anything so that I don't have to move or think. The problem is/was that I never do stop thinking and often I would just feel worse because I knew that what I was doing was not good for anyone but had no idea how to overcome it. The really bad thing is that the worse it got the more difficult it got for me to talk about it and therefore the more I tried to hide from everyone. Why would I want to share with someone that for two days straight I did nothing but convince my toddler to leave me alone until my husband and other son got home then I would use all of the little bit of energy I did have to pretend that all was well. Now that I've been on the pill for almost 6 months and I am feeling a bit more normal I look back and wonder how I could let this get so bad? It's extremely hard not to beat myself up. I know that it happened slowly over the past few years, the worst was in the last year and I just didn't realize that I was slipping slowly. I know that it affected my relationship with Joel and that kills me. I talked and smiled so little at times that I wonder why he put up with it. I know that we have a little bit of a journey to take to get back to being the couple that we can be, but I know now that we can. If you would have asked me a year ago, I probably would have just changed the subject then gone home and cried.
* difficulty concentrating - (some taken from last post) yes, but I argued that this could be the lack of sleep. My doctor gave the look and checked it off. She then said that many symptoms fed off each other and made them worse. This was tough for me. I am a very organized driven person. I like to get the job done and move onto the next. I was having a hard time doing that and the fear of not completing it at all meant that a lot of times I just didn't start it or do it. That wasn't good either! I remember getting my scrapbook stuff out a few times and an hour or two later sit there totally depressed that I couldn't focus my thoughts enough to get even one page done. I used to be able to whip out six months worth of pages in one night. Think about that and it just depressed me even more. To be honest, I haven't touched my stuff in quite a while, I'm afraid to, but don't worry, it's part of my healing plan!
* feeling "out of control" - I felt totally out of control, like I was no longer in charge of my life. I think this really goes without saying.
* increase or decrease in sex drive - decrease but I hid this as well as I could. I didn't want Joel to know. You know that saying, "buck up camper!" yeah, that's pretty much what I told myself. I didn't want to punish Joel for my problems and I knew that he was already stressed out at work so why add to that. I didn't keep him totally in the dark about stuff but I DID NOT share enough. I should have! By writing it down and/or talking it out I might have caught on a little sooner. I used to keep a journal, I wonder if it would have gotten this bad had I continued with that practice. If you are wondering about stuff now, after reading this blog, why not start a blog or journal of your own? Do it for a month or two then look back and look at what you've read.
* increased need for emotional closeness - I actually created an environment that was completely opposite of this but did feel the need for this. Again, not wanting people to realize just how messed up I was I created a little bubble around myself. My problems stayed inside of that bubble and I allowed no one to get close enough to pop that bubble. The thing is though, I desperately wanted someone to just reach out and smash that bubble and pull me out of it. I also had days that I would reach out to pop the bubble myself but pulled back at the last minute. Each time I pulled back that bubble got bigger and it got stronger. To be honest that bubble is still there, it is shrinking and it's getting weaker but it is still there.
The last two posts have, literally, exhausted me. There is so much more on the emotional and/or mental end of things but I am not sure where I am going next. With that being said, I will probably take a day or three off and figure out my next blog move. For those of you that have contacted me, let me just say that I am so proud of you and that you are not alone. Listen, listen, listen to yourselves and your body. Reach out and pop that bubble!
Friday, February 6, 2009
So Much to Post
I apologize, Stephanie, Tori and Karen all came over and made soap with me yesterday so I didn't get to post anything. We had a great time though and Karen brought us super yummy homemade mac'n cheese with spinach salad for lunch.
I want to say again how much I appreciate the notes, comments, emails, etc. that I have been getting. If you've started thinking about stuff that may be going on in your body and have started dialogue of your own with friends/family that makes me even more happy about blogging this all out. Also know that I am here for you if you have questions, want me to research something or just listen. I've had a couple people ask if it is okay to pass this blog onto others and the answer is yes. Psssst, pass it on.
I'm not at the point in my journey to talk/blog about it yet but also wanted to let you know that my surgery has been scheduled for March 12. (big sigh) The light is at the end of the tunnel. I wonder if they would frown on a play by play from the operating room? "Wait, wait, give me my computer back! I have to let them know what's going on."
Okay, on with the show, the last post was mainly about my physical symptoms and this one I am going to touch on the mental side of things. I am going to try and tackle them much like I did yesterday. List the symptoms and talk about them. However, I am hesitant because I am not sure I can really describe the chaos that was going on in my head. I will do my best though...
* feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation - This was definitely true but it did ebb and flow with my cycle. The week before my period was the worst. I was sure that absolutely nothing in my life was going to turn out well. Finding the positive in anything during that really bad week was impossible. I took things to a personal level that I didn't know existed. I could take something as little as a sock not quite making it into the laundry basket and turn it into a personal attack of sorts. I couldn't stop it, there was still a part of me that knew what I was thinking was just not right but man was is hard to ignore the hormone driven feelings. My emotions would level a bit once I started and I would look back to the crazy, sock on the floor day, and just wonder what the hell my problem was? Sad was a great way to describe it but it had many levels, kind of like taking the stairs. Monday I may be Floor 2 and could talk my way back down to the ground floor, Tuesday I would slowly make my way to Floor 3 - still could come back down to the ground floor but it took me longer and was harder to do. Wednesday I would shoot up to Floor 10 with no hope of seeing ground floor until my period started. I know this still doesn't do it justice but it's really the only way I could figure out how to describe it. Still, as I mentioned, I never once thought of suicide, thank God for that. The worst part of all of this was that I saw it as a weakness. I am too strong of a person to think like this and not figure out how to fix it. This idea held on tighter and tighter as the sadness/despair got worse. I would hide it as best I could from friends and family for fear of being looked at as a failure. I have always been one that just lets things roll off her back. I could step back, take a look at whatever, realize that in the end it really wasn't going to matter and just let it go. I could no longer do this and it drove me crazy.
* feelings of tension or anxiety - I have never really been a tense or anxious person so the little increase of these was a bit disarming at times. Tension is described as a state of mental or emotional strain or suspense. I think this describes where things have gotten for me. A constant state of mental or emotional strain.
* panic attacks - (taken from yesterday's post) I wouldn't say that I ever had a panic attack HOWEVER my claustrophobia definitely intensified. Even in the car at times, if the kids got too loud that feeling of not being able to get out would creep in. No matter what movies you've seen, you just can't jump out of the car while driving down the freeway. The claustrophobic feeling would kick in and I'd snap at the boys to be quiet. It didn't help that my drivers side window is broken so I can't roll it down. It just added to the anxious feeling. My heart is starting to race just typing it out.
* mood swings, crying - without a doubt! Mood swings?? No, it was more like a Six Flags mood roller coaster that took off every 90 seconds. This was an exhausting ride and it just wouldn't stop. Happy and giggling with my kid(s) then just ten minutes later would not be able to stop crying because I saw two kids playing a game on a commercial and they didn't fight once during the entire ad. Remember, I had a hard time seeing the good or positive so the boys' fighting stood out in my head. To me they fought all the time even when they didn't. Okay, they fight a lot but it's good natured for the most part and a lot of wrestling is involved. Even when it sounds bad they are having fun. And anger, wow I could angry fast and over the dumbest things! Then I would just get angrier because I let it get me that angry. Then I would cry b/c I couldn't control the anger then I would mope about because I didn't see how I was going to correct this. Then I would be okay and playing with Oliver again wondering what the heck just happened. This would happen multiple times a day.
* lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts - I was constantly irritated. It became so normal for me that I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten. After I started taking YAZ again and my emotional state started to even out a bit, a person that I worked with asked me what had changed. I asked him to explain the question and he told me that I was always irritated or angry about something but that I didn't seem to be that way lately. I was a little more relaxed. Yikes, he noticed? Made me really take a closer look at what I had been going through.
I'm struggling a bit with this post because it is sooo difficult to convey the chaos that was going on inside my head. For now, however, I am going to take a break. Oliver isn't feeling well and he wants his mom. I will finish this up tonight or tomorrow morning. Probably good to break it up a bit anyway.
I want to say again how much I appreciate the notes, comments, emails, etc. that I have been getting. If you've started thinking about stuff that may be going on in your body and have started dialogue of your own with friends/family that makes me even more happy about blogging this all out. Also know that I am here for you if you have questions, want me to research something or just listen. I've had a couple people ask if it is okay to pass this blog onto others and the answer is yes. Psssst, pass it on.
I'm not at the point in my journey to talk/blog about it yet but also wanted to let you know that my surgery has been scheduled for March 12. (big sigh) The light is at the end of the tunnel. I wonder if they would frown on a play by play from the operating room? "Wait, wait, give me my computer back! I have to let them know what's going on."
Okay, on with the show, the last post was mainly about my physical symptoms and this one I am going to touch on the mental side of things. I am going to try and tackle them much like I did yesterday. List the symptoms and talk about them. However, I am hesitant because I am not sure I can really describe the chaos that was going on in my head. I will do my best though...
* feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation - This was definitely true but it did ebb and flow with my cycle. The week before my period was the worst. I was sure that absolutely nothing in my life was going to turn out well. Finding the positive in anything during that really bad week was impossible. I took things to a personal level that I didn't know existed. I could take something as little as a sock not quite making it into the laundry basket and turn it into a personal attack of sorts. I couldn't stop it, there was still a part of me that knew what I was thinking was just not right but man was is hard to ignore the hormone driven feelings. My emotions would level a bit once I started and I would look back to the crazy, sock on the floor day, and just wonder what the hell my problem was? Sad was a great way to describe it but it had many levels, kind of like taking the stairs. Monday I may be Floor 2 and could talk my way back down to the ground floor, Tuesday I would slowly make my way to Floor 3 - still could come back down to the ground floor but it took me longer and was harder to do. Wednesday I would shoot up to Floor 10 with no hope of seeing ground floor until my period started. I know this still doesn't do it justice but it's really the only way I could figure out how to describe it. Still, as I mentioned, I never once thought of suicide, thank God for that. The worst part of all of this was that I saw it as a weakness. I am too strong of a person to think like this and not figure out how to fix it. This idea held on tighter and tighter as the sadness/despair got worse. I would hide it as best I could from friends and family for fear of being looked at as a failure. I have always been one that just lets things roll off her back. I could step back, take a look at whatever, realize that in the end it really wasn't going to matter and just let it go. I could no longer do this and it drove me crazy.
* feelings of tension or anxiety - I have never really been a tense or anxious person so the little increase of these was a bit disarming at times. Tension is described as a state of mental or emotional strain or suspense. I think this describes where things have gotten for me. A constant state of mental or emotional strain.
* panic attacks - (taken from yesterday's post) I wouldn't say that I ever had a panic attack HOWEVER my claustrophobia definitely intensified. Even in the car at times, if the kids got too loud that feeling of not being able to get out would creep in. No matter what movies you've seen, you just can't jump out of the car while driving down the freeway. The claustrophobic feeling would kick in and I'd snap at the boys to be quiet. It didn't help that my drivers side window is broken so I can't roll it down. It just added to the anxious feeling. My heart is starting to race just typing it out.
* mood swings, crying - without a doubt! Mood swings?? No, it was more like a Six Flags mood roller coaster that took off every 90 seconds. This was an exhausting ride and it just wouldn't stop. Happy and giggling with my kid(s) then just ten minutes later would not be able to stop crying because I saw two kids playing a game on a commercial and they didn't fight once during the entire ad. Remember, I had a hard time seeing the good or positive so the boys' fighting stood out in my head. To me they fought all the time even when they didn't. Okay, they fight a lot but it's good natured for the most part and a lot of wrestling is involved. Even when it sounds bad they are having fun. And anger, wow I could angry fast and over the dumbest things! Then I would just get angrier because I let it get me that angry. Then I would cry b/c I couldn't control the anger then I would mope about because I didn't see how I was going to correct this. Then I would be okay and playing with Oliver again wondering what the heck just happened. This would happen multiple times a day.
* lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts - I was constantly irritated. It became so normal for me that I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten. After I started taking YAZ again and my emotional state started to even out a bit, a person that I worked with asked me what had changed. I asked him to explain the question and he told me that I was always irritated or angry about something but that I didn't seem to be that way lately. I was a little more relaxed. Yikes, he noticed? Made me really take a closer look at what I had been going through.
I'm struggling a bit with this post because it is sooo difficult to convey the chaos that was going on inside my head. For now, however, I am going to take a break. Oliver isn't feeling well and he wants his mom. I will finish this up tonight or tomorrow morning. Probably good to break it up a bit anyway.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Debilitating Part 2
There are a couple of statements from yesterday's post that really stand out for me. This one...
For some women with PMS, the symptoms are so sever that they are considered disabling. This form of PMS has its own psychiatric designation: premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).
And this one...
PMDD is premenstrual syndrome (PMS) that is so severe it can be debilitating due to either physical, mental or emotional symptoms. Treatment is recommended because PMDD interferes with the sufferer's ability to function in her social or occupational life.
These two statements are not just a little bit right, they are completely true for me. The problem is that I was in denial about it for far too long. I had convinced myself that this was just a normal part of life, a rough patch, a part of getting older or whatever else you want to call it. I was wrong. I'll touch on the physical symptoms today and get into the, harder to talk about, mental aspects tomorrow.
As far as PMS goes, I always had what I would consider the normal stuff, some bloating, maybe some mild cramping and breast tenderness or swelling. As time went on, these symptoms got worse, especially the cramping. Yikes on the cramping! However, I also started to experience severe headaches a day or two before my period and have even more trouble falling asleep. I knew that headaches could sometimes be due to hormone fluctuations so I didn't give it much thought at first but the lack of sleep nagged at me. I don't get enough as it is and losing more was not good. Over the past year I also started to experience more pain in my joints. This, as I realized later was causing me to also loose sleep. But again, instead of figuring out why or what was causing it I just wrote it off as not enough exercise and getting older. Achy joints are one thing, painful joints are another. There were times that I researched arthritis thinking that I might be headed down that path. If it hurt bad enough that I was doing that, I should have gone to my doctor. One other symptom of PMS, that I had no clue was a symptom, until I saw my doctor was respiratory problems. When I finally went and saw my doctor I had a head cold. I asked her for a Kleenex and just casually mentioned that I have never had this many colds in one year in my life. I felt like I was going from cold to cold with no reprieve. She told me that it was probably due to my severe PMS. I laughed thinking she was joking and she said, "no, really, many women experience respiratory or eye problems due to severe PMS." I was shocked.
After hearing about all my symptoms and listening to me talk about how it was affecting the rest of my life she started asking me a lot of questions. Then she asked if I had ever heard of PMDD because she thought that I was one of the lucky few that actually had PMS severe enough to be considered PMDD.
We went over the symptoms of PMDD. I was experiencing symptoms for two weeks before my period would start, they would retreat some during my cycle, I would have about a week to recover from the nightmare and then it would start all over again. I was going to say one good week during each month but often times that week wasn't necessarily good...just okay. So one okay week during each month - not good. I will use the symptoms listed on my blog from Wikipedia yesterday because they closely match what my doctor and I went over:
* feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation - I'll touch on this one more tomorrow but I definitely fit this one. I never did think suicide though so I had that going for me.
* feelings of tension or anxiety - I experienced this one at times but not enough that she checked it off. I wasn't sure if she should have checked this one or the next one.
* panic attacks - I wouldn't say that I ever had a panic attack HOWEVER my claustrophobia definitely intensified. Even in the car at times, if the kids got too loud that feeling of not being able to get out would creep in. No matter what movies you've seen, you just can't jump out of the car while driving down the freeway. The claustrophobic feeling would kick in and I'd snap at the boys to be quiet. It didn't help that my drivers side window is broken so I can't roll it down. It just added to the anxious feeling. My heart is starting to race just typing it out.
* mood swings, crying - without a doubt! Mood swings?? No, it was more like a Six Flags mood roller coaster that took off every 90 seconds. More on that tomorrow...
* lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts - check, check and check.
* apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships - yes, the lack of enthusiasm for anything in my life was frightening.
* difficulty concentrating - yes, but I argued that this could be the lack of sleep. My doctor gave the look and checked it off. She then said that many symptoms fed off each other and made them worse. This was tough for me. I am a very organized driven person. I like to get the job done and move onto the next. I was having a hard time doing that and the fear of not completing it at all meant that a lot of times I just didn't start it or do it. That wasn't good either!
* fatigue - beyond belief really. I think I mentioned once before that even getting out of bed at times was difficult task. There were days when I would sit on the couch for an hour or two trying to convince my body to physically move and go do something. When I did finally get up and get moving, on the really bad days, I would do dishes then feel so exhausted that I would have to sit back down. Housework was taking me 2, 3 and even 4 times longer than it used to. If I got it done at all. I would ride my bike, on somewhat good days, down to the store and then wonder as I grabbed the two items I needed if I was going to be able to make it home. Again, that is less than a mile away. This wasn't something that happened every day but enough to totally alter/affect my life.
* food cravings or binge eating - cravings, yes. The ice is the oddest craving that I have. Some days it's citrus fruit. Don't get between me and my orange. On other days all I want is a certain dish from a certain restaurant, etc. I am assuming that it would be similar to what happens during pregnancy. I never had cravings while pregnant, just aversions. Mustard was evil when I was pregnant. So the food craving, beyond just thinking something sounds really good, was a new one for me. Plotting all day on how to get your husband downtown and near your favorite Thai restaurant so you can casually mention that he's close and should just pick up dinner is just not right.
* insomnia or hypersomnia - insomnia, has anyone seen the bags under my eyes lately? A friend sent me a text a while back that said, "May the rest you get far exceed the hours you sleep." If this were only the case! And you know what I did when I got the text? I cried because it was on the downhill part of the roller coaster ride. I work odd hours (my choice) so I don't get a ton of sleep but it was never a problem until the last year or so. I think it's become, no I know it's become more of a problem because I just don't sleep. When I lay down I rarely fall into that deep sleep. I've thought about using a natural sleep aide but am fearful to do so since I don't have 8 hours to devote to sleeping. I sadly, can not remember the last time that I got a good solid night of sleep. Even when I have the time to sleep it just doesn't happen. I'm sure that other symptoms just feed this issue, take for example the joint pain.
* feeling "out of control" - I felt totally out of control, like I was no longer in charge of my life.
* increase or decrease in sex drive - decrease but I hid this as well as I could. I didn't want Joel to know. You know that saying, "buck up camper!" yeah, that's pretty much what I told myself. I didn't want to punish Joel for my problems and I knew that he was already stressed out at work so why add to that. I didn't keep him totally in the dark about stuff but I did not share enough. I should have! My writing it down and talking it out I might have caught on a little sooner.
* increased need for emotional closeness - I actually created an environment that was completely opposite of this but did feel the need for this. This is another good one for tomorrow's post.
* physical symptoms: bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, joint or muscle pain - yes but I just thought that was all associated to PMS or lack of exercise. PMS and lack of exercise don't help these symptoms in anyway but it was not the only reason.
Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD...I have PMDD.
For some women with PMS, the symptoms are so sever that they are considered disabling. This form of PMS has its own psychiatric designation: premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).
And this one...
PMDD is premenstrual syndrome (PMS) that is so severe it can be debilitating due to either physical, mental or emotional symptoms. Treatment is recommended because PMDD interferes with the sufferer's ability to function in her social or occupational life.
These two statements are not just a little bit right, they are completely true for me. The problem is that I was in denial about it for far too long. I had convinced myself that this was just a normal part of life, a rough patch, a part of getting older or whatever else you want to call it. I was wrong. I'll touch on the physical symptoms today and get into the, harder to talk about, mental aspects tomorrow.
As far as PMS goes, I always had what I would consider the normal stuff, some bloating, maybe some mild cramping and breast tenderness or swelling. As time went on, these symptoms got worse, especially the cramping. Yikes on the cramping! However, I also started to experience severe headaches a day or two before my period and have even more trouble falling asleep. I knew that headaches could sometimes be due to hormone fluctuations so I didn't give it much thought at first but the lack of sleep nagged at me. I don't get enough as it is and losing more was not good. Over the past year I also started to experience more pain in my joints. This, as I realized later was causing me to also loose sleep. But again, instead of figuring out why or what was causing it I just wrote it off as not enough exercise and getting older. Achy joints are one thing, painful joints are another. There were times that I researched arthritis thinking that I might be headed down that path. If it hurt bad enough that I was doing that, I should have gone to my doctor. One other symptom of PMS, that I had no clue was a symptom, until I saw my doctor was respiratory problems. When I finally went and saw my doctor I had a head cold. I asked her for a Kleenex and just casually mentioned that I have never had this many colds in one year in my life. I felt like I was going from cold to cold with no reprieve. She told me that it was probably due to my severe PMS. I laughed thinking she was joking and she said, "no, really, many women experience respiratory or eye problems due to severe PMS." I was shocked.
After hearing about all my symptoms and listening to me talk about how it was affecting the rest of my life she started asking me a lot of questions. Then she asked if I had ever heard of PMDD because she thought that I was one of the lucky few that actually had PMS severe enough to be considered PMDD.
We went over the symptoms of PMDD. I was experiencing symptoms for two weeks before my period would start, they would retreat some during my cycle, I would have about a week to recover from the nightmare and then it would start all over again. I was going to say one good week during each month but often times that week wasn't necessarily good...just okay. So one okay week during each month - not good. I will use the symptoms listed on my blog from Wikipedia yesterday because they closely match what my doctor and I went over:
* feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation - I'll touch on this one more tomorrow but I definitely fit this one. I never did think suicide though so I had that going for me.
* feelings of tension or anxiety - I experienced this one at times but not enough that she checked it off. I wasn't sure if she should have checked this one or the next one.
* panic attacks - I wouldn't say that I ever had a panic attack HOWEVER my claustrophobia definitely intensified. Even in the car at times, if the kids got too loud that feeling of not being able to get out would creep in. No matter what movies you've seen, you just can't jump out of the car while driving down the freeway. The claustrophobic feeling would kick in and I'd snap at the boys to be quiet. It didn't help that my drivers side window is broken so I can't roll it down. It just added to the anxious feeling. My heart is starting to race just typing it out.
* mood swings, crying - without a doubt! Mood swings?? No, it was more like a Six Flags mood roller coaster that took off every 90 seconds. More on that tomorrow...
* lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts - check, check and check.
* apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships - yes, the lack of enthusiasm for anything in my life was frightening.
* difficulty concentrating - yes, but I argued that this could be the lack of sleep. My doctor gave the look and checked it off. She then said that many symptoms fed off each other and made them worse. This was tough for me. I am a very organized driven person. I like to get the job done and move onto the next. I was having a hard time doing that and the fear of not completing it at all meant that a lot of times I just didn't start it or do it. That wasn't good either!
* fatigue - beyond belief really. I think I mentioned once before that even getting out of bed at times was difficult task. There were days when I would sit on the couch for an hour or two trying to convince my body to physically move and go do something. When I did finally get up and get moving, on the really bad days, I would do dishes then feel so exhausted that I would have to sit back down. Housework was taking me 2, 3 and even 4 times longer than it used to. If I got it done at all. I would ride my bike, on somewhat good days, down to the store and then wonder as I grabbed the two items I needed if I was going to be able to make it home. Again, that is less than a mile away. This wasn't something that happened every day but enough to totally alter/affect my life.
* food cravings or binge eating - cravings, yes. The ice is the oddest craving that I have. Some days it's citrus fruit. Don't get between me and my orange. On other days all I want is a certain dish from a certain restaurant, etc. I am assuming that it would be similar to what happens during pregnancy. I never had cravings while pregnant, just aversions. Mustard was evil when I was pregnant. So the food craving, beyond just thinking something sounds really good, was a new one for me. Plotting all day on how to get your husband downtown and near your favorite Thai restaurant so you can casually mention that he's close and should just pick up dinner is just not right.
* insomnia or hypersomnia - insomnia, has anyone seen the bags under my eyes lately? A friend sent me a text a while back that said, "May the rest you get far exceed the hours you sleep." If this were only the case! And you know what I did when I got the text? I cried because it was on the downhill part of the roller coaster ride. I work odd hours (my choice) so I don't get a ton of sleep but it was never a problem until the last year or so. I think it's become, no I know it's become more of a problem because I just don't sleep. When I lay down I rarely fall into that deep sleep. I've thought about using a natural sleep aide but am fearful to do so since I don't have 8 hours to devote to sleeping. I sadly, can not remember the last time that I got a good solid night of sleep. Even when I have the time to sleep it just doesn't happen. I'm sure that other symptoms just feed this issue, take for example the joint pain.
* feeling "out of control" - I felt totally out of control, like I was no longer in charge of my life.
* increase or decrease in sex drive - decrease but I hid this as well as I could. I didn't want Joel to know. You know that saying, "buck up camper!" yeah, that's pretty much what I told myself. I didn't want to punish Joel for my problems and I knew that he was already stressed out at work so why add to that. I didn't keep him totally in the dark about stuff but I did not share enough. I should have! My writing it down and talking it out I might have caught on a little sooner.
* increased need for emotional closeness - I actually created an environment that was completely opposite of this but did feel the need for this. This is another good one for tomorrow's post.
* physical symptoms: bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, joint or muscle pain - yes but I just thought that was all associated to PMS or lack of exercise. PMS and lack of exercise don't help these symptoms in anyway but it was not the only reason.
Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD...I have PMDD.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Debilitating Part 1
PMS, a.k.a. premenstrual syndrome...I thought I would break this post up into at least two parts. Today will be just a recap of what PMS, and PMDD are. I'll talk about some of the symptoms and possible ways to treat PMS/PMDD. Then tomorrow I will talk about how this pertains to me. This post has a bit of a clinical feel to it - sorry.
Wikipedia defines it as:
"a collection of physical, psychological, and emotional symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle. While most women of child-bearing age (about 80 percent) have some symptoms of PMS,the official definition limits the scope to having symptoms of "Sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life." Such symptoms are usually predictable and occur regularly during the two weeks prior to menses. Generally, symptoms may vanish both before or after the start of the menstrual flow.
While some experts claim that virtually all menstruating women experience PMS, a more recent and intermediate position shows that only a small percentage of women (2 to 5%) have significant premenstrual symptoms that are separate from the discomfort associated with menstruation.
For some women with PMS, the symptoms are so sever that they are considered disabling. This form of PMS has its own psychiatric designation: premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)."
The symptoms listed, on more than one website and in many books, for PMS are as follows: Abdominal bloating, abdominal cramps, breast tenderness or swelling, stress or anxiety, trouble falling asleep (insomnia), joint or muscle pain, headache, fatigue, acne, mood swings and worsening of existing skin disorders, and respiratory (for example allergies, infection) or eye problems.
Many treatments are suggested for PMS, diet or lifestyle changes, and other supportive means. Medical interventions are primarily concerned with hormonal interventions and use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs).
So, in a nut shell, therapy if you need it, aerobic exercise, better diet (less caffeine, sugar and sodium and more fiber), enough sleep, some supplements like calcium, vitamin E, vitamin B6, magnesium and tryptophan have all been shown to help. Then there are the SSRIs that I don't know much about and hormones. Diuretics to help with water retention and ibuprofen have also been used to treat symptoms of PMS. On a more natural note, some sites claim that evening primrose oil helps also but it lacks the scientific support.
PMDD is a severe form of PMS that afflicts 3 to 8 percent of women. Again, this is taken from Wikipedia:
PMDD is premenstrual syndrome (PMS) that is so severe it can be debilitating due to either physical, mental or emotional symptoms. Treatment is recommended because PMDD interferes with the sufferer's ability to function in her social or occupational life. The cardinal symptom--surfacing between ovulation and menstruation, and disappearing within a few days after the onset of the bleeding--is irritability (PMID 11571794). Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include[3]
* feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation
* feelings of tension or anxiety
* panic attacks
* mood swings, crying
* lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts
* apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
* difficulty concentrating
* fatigue
* food cravings or binge eating
* insomnia or hypersomnia
* feeling "out of control"
* increase or decrease in sex drive
* increased need for emotional closeness
* physical symptoms: bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, joint or muscle pain
Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD. Symptoms occur during the week before the menstrual cycle and disappear within a few days after the onset of the bleeding.
Most PMDD is treated, according to my doctor, with anti depressants like Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, etc. This portion, thanks again to Wikipedia supports what she has told me:
Lifestyle changes such as regular exercise and a well balanced diet may ameliorate some of the effects of PMDD. There is some evidence that vitamin B6 in doses up to 100mg can alleviate symptoms.[10] Certain SSRIs provide relief as well.[11] The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved four medications for the treatment of PMDD: Fluoxetine (also known as Prozac), was approved by the U.S. Food and Drug administration for PMDD in 2000. Sertraline (Zoloft) was approved in 2002, Paroxetine HCI (Paxil) and also Escitalopram Oxalate (Lexapro) has also been approved by the FDA. The patent for Fluoxetine has expired, but Eli Lilly was able to obtain a new patent for its use in the treatment of PMDD, which has since marketed heavily under the trade name Sarafem.[12] However Fluoxetine is now available as a generic in the same doses used in Sarafem, with the generic price generally a fraction of the cost for branded Sarafem. L-tryptophan, a serotonin precursor, was found in two studies to provide significant relief when supplemented daily in a large dose of (six grams) per day.[13]
Another alternative is hormone therapy; the simplest treatment is the Pill, which may lessen or even eliminate symptoms. The Pill can also make some women's symptoms worse as it contains progesterons and many women with PMS and particularly PMDD are intolerant to progesterones (their own and synthetic ones). There is evidence to show that progesterones may be at the root of their PMDD and PMS (Watson et al 1989; Leather et al 1999; Studd et al 2004).
The only complete cure is removal of the ovaries or menopause. However, hormone therapy is usually then needed to mimic natural hormone levels.
After talking with my doctor extensively, she told me that I have PMDD. I will discuss more tomorrow just how much this had affected my life.
Wikipedia defines it as:
"a collection of physical, psychological, and emotional symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle. While most women of child-bearing age (about 80 percent) have some symptoms of PMS,the official definition limits the scope to having symptoms of "Sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life." Such symptoms are usually predictable and occur regularly during the two weeks prior to menses. Generally, symptoms may vanish both before or after the start of the menstrual flow.
While some experts claim that virtually all menstruating women experience PMS, a more recent and intermediate position shows that only a small percentage of women (2 to 5%) have significant premenstrual symptoms that are separate from the discomfort associated with menstruation.
For some women with PMS, the symptoms are so sever that they are considered disabling. This form of PMS has its own psychiatric designation: premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)."
The symptoms listed, on more than one website and in many books, for PMS are as follows: Abdominal bloating, abdominal cramps, breast tenderness or swelling, stress or anxiety, trouble falling asleep (insomnia), joint or muscle pain, headache, fatigue, acne, mood swings and worsening of existing skin disorders, and respiratory (for example allergies, infection) or eye problems.
Many treatments are suggested for PMS, diet or lifestyle changes, and other supportive means. Medical interventions are primarily concerned with hormonal interventions and use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs).
So, in a nut shell, therapy if you need it, aerobic exercise, better diet (less caffeine, sugar and sodium and more fiber), enough sleep, some supplements like calcium, vitamin E, vitamin B6, magnesium and tryptophan have all been shown to help. Then there are the SSRIs that I don't know much about and hormones. Diuretics to help with water retention and ibuprofen have also been used to treat symptoms of PMS. On a more natural note, some sites claim that evening primrose oil helps also but it lacks the scientific support.
PMDD is a severe form of PMS that afflicts 3 to 8 percent of women. Again, this is taken from Wikipedia:
PMDD is premenstrual syndrome (PMS) that is so severe it can be debilitating due to either physical, mental or emotional symptoms. Treatment is recommended because PMDD interferes with the sufferer's ability to function in her social or occupational life. The cardinal symptom--surfacing between ovulation and menstruation, and disappearing within a few days after the onset of the bleeding--is irritability (PMID 11571794). Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include[3]
* feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation
* feelings of tension or anxiety
* panic attacks
* mood swings, crying
* lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts
* apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
* difficulty concentrating
* fatigue
* food cravings or binge eating
* insomnia or hypersomnia
* feeling "out of control"
* increase or decrease in sex drive
* increased need for emotional closeness
* physical symptoms: bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, joint or muscle pain
Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD. Symptoms occur during the week before the menstrual cycle and disappear within a few days after the onset of the bleeding.
Most PMDD is treated, according to my doctor, with anti depressants like Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, etc. This portion, thanks again to Wikipedia supports what she has told me:
Lifestyle changes such as regular exercise and a well balanced diet may ameliorate some of the effects of PMDD. There is some evidence that vitamin B6 in doses up to 100mg can alleviate symptoms.[10] Certain SSRIs provide relief as well.[11] The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved four medications for the treatment of PMDD: Fluoxetine (also known as Prozac), was approved by the U.S. Food and Drug administration for PMDD in 2000. Sertraline (Zoloft) was approved in 2002, Paroxetine HCI (Paxil) and also Escitalopram Oxalate (Lexapro) has also been approved by the FDA. The patent for Fluoxetine has expired, but Eli Lilly was able to obtain a new patent for its use in the treatment of PMDD, which has since marketed heavily under the trade name Sarafem.[12] However Fluoxetine is now available as a generic in the same doses used in Sarafem, with the generic price generally a fraction of the cost for branded Sarafem. L-tryptophan, a serotonin precursor, was found in two studies to provide significant relief when supplemented daily in a large dose of (six grams) per day.[13]
Another alternative is hormone therapy; the simplest treatment is the Pill, which may lessen or even eliminate symptoms. The Pill can also make some women's symptoms worse as it contains progesterons and many women with PMS and particularly PMDD are intolerant to progesterones (their own and synthetic ones). There is evidence to show that progesterones may be at the root of their PMDD and PMS (Watson et al 1989; Leather et al 1999; Studd et al 2004).
The only complete cure is removal of the ovaries or menopause. However, hormone therapy is usually then needed to mimic natural hormone levels.
After talking with my doctor extensively, she told me that I have PMDD. I will discuss more tomorrow just how much this had affected my life.
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