MUDdled

The boys...I'll talk about Noah first, then, hopefully Oliver in the next couple of days. I also have my pre-op appointment this Thursday.

Editor's note: Life was not like this all the time. We still had some great fun and some great times. There was just this underlying current that lingered about and made it's presence known. I don't want anyone thinking that what you are about to read was what went on all the time. However, thanks to an email that I just go, something that still should be shared.

This has been a tough one for me. I get an idea or start to type then I stop because I just don't want to think about the past couple of years. Not that I've done anything horrible but I haven't been myself and for that I feel guilty. They deserve their mommy, not some shadow of who she is or was.

Noah is a good kid. He is also a very smart kid that uses his brain to test me everyday. Most of it is asking me questions until I no longer have any clue how to answer them. I've learned just as much, if not more from looking up and answering his questions than I did in school. Other times he is just testing me to see just how much he can get away with before he is sent to his room or loses some of his allowance. However, along with that smart brain of his comes a slough of emotions. One of his EXCEL directors once explained it to me this way. Most people/kids will be presented with a task/problem/question/etc. and have one or two ideas or solutions, think of it as someone walking one or two dogs. Then there are people/kids like Noah that when presented with the same task/problem/question/etc. and their brain goes into overdrive and they will have 9, 10 or even more solutions/questions/ideas/etc...think of it as them walking 9, 10 or more dogs. The one or two dogs may try to pull you and get their way but you can still control them, rein them in so to speak and get them under control. Once you are up to 9, 10 or more dogs and they are pulling you in just as many directions it becomes much harder if not impossible for a someone, especially a child, to control. With the right tools, as Noah gets older, he will learn to control the pack of dogs and organize them into a well thought out solution. For now, however, he doesn't know what to do with all of that mumbo jumbo in his head and it often comes out in the form of frustrated tears.

I tell you the above because it was very difficult for me to understand and deal with those frustrated tears coming from my boy. Some days I would hide in the bathroom and cry because I had no idea how I was going to help him. The days that I was depressed and not feeling good about myself to begin with were really bad. When I feel this bad about myself how am I going to teach my kid to be confident in who he is and the way that his brain works? Other days I couldn't stand it, the days that I could feel my anger/irritation taking over were horrible. I just wanted to yell at him to stop with the stupid crying, how could someone so smart get so upset over something that seemed so damn trivial?!? I would feel guilty because I would wish on those days that he was never that smart. What a horrible thing to wish for your kid! I wanted him to just be one of those kids that would be happy with playing in the mud NOT the kid that wanted to know the origin of the mud, the makeup of the mud, where I thought the mud in our backyard came from, etc. For crying out loud, just play in the mud I don't know how much ash from the 1980 St. Helen's eruption is in our mud! The good thing is that I knew that what I was feeling/thinking was just not right, not me, not something that Noah needed to hear so I kept it to myself. I know that he could tell that I was sad or angry or irritated and I'm sure that his emotions fed off of mine. I am sure that he cried more trying to figure out what was up with me. (deep sigh)

So, knowing that I had a hard time controlling my emotions and dealing with Noah I really, in essence, believe that I pushed him away. I would know it was going to be a bad day so, if he wasn't at school, I would shove him outside to play with his friends a lot, take him to Blockbuster real quick in hopes that he would find a game or a video to keep him occupied for most of the day. I would buy him new Legos or books knowing that he would want to build or read and I could make excuses up so that I wouldn't have to help him. Distance between the two of us meant that I was much less likely to spend the day crying at my inability to help him or blow my top and say something that I would regret and hate myself for. Now, don't get me wrong, just like any parent he (and his brother) would just push and push and push and I would snap, send them to their room, toss out one of those stupid threats that no parent can follow through on like, "GO TO YOUR ROOM and you aren't coming out until you're 18!!" I am a parent after all.

Knowing that I couldn't deal with Noah and that I pushed him away like I did I silently turned on Joel. In my head I convinced myself that he should have picked up on all of this, that he should have sensed that I and Noah needed help. He is much like Noah after all...too smart for his own good. I needed him to step up to the plate and take control, to help encourage Noah, to untangle some of those leashes, etc. However, I never once said this out loud. Never once told him, therefore, never once gave him the opportunity to help me or Noah...not in a productive manner anyway. It is unrealistic of me to think, though, that Joel will never become frustrated with Noah. That because they are two peas in a pod that he should know exactly how to help Noah. Those two are so much alike personality wise that it's scary! Anyway, I knew or thought that I was no good to Noah so when Joel would snap at him or get frustrated with him I would, again all inside, turn into a very angry and protective mama bear! My brain would literally roar with anger, how dare he treat my baby that way! I would clench my jaw to the point of pain and see red...deep angry red. Again, knowing that this was not a good reaction or even a reasonable one I would walk away and not say a thing. I KNEW that what I was feeling was not right, not reasonable, not me but I couldn't stop it, couldn't control it. So not only was I distancing myself from Noah, I was distancing myself from Joel.

As said in the beginning of this post, Noah is a smart kid. Even if he didn't know what was going on with me he could feel it and sense it. I look back now and my heart literally hurts knowing that at times he cried, not because I wouldn't help him figure out the percentage of ash in our backyard mud but because I just wasn't there for him and he needed me.

Let me say again that this wasn't a quick overnight thing that happened. It got worse slowly, over time, so a part of me still felt that this was just who I was now. That it was normal married with kid stuff, that there was nothing wrong with me and nothing that could be done to change my life or how I felt about it. That over time, as our marriage matured and the boys got older things would change, right? Get better, right? I know differently now. I feel differently now.