Pop That Bubble

Continued from yesterday...

* apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships - yes, the lack of enthusiasm for anything in my life was frightening. Simply put, I often got to a point where I just didn't care. I didn't have the energy to care. I wanted to care but physically and mentally could not make it happen. This is one of those things that is hard for me to explain. So let me give you a simple example. I love to help my boys learn. I have workbooks, games, educational toys and art supplies to help them learn in fun creative ways. I try to do fun stuff with them every day. However, when I am so physically and mentally tired I get to the point that I just don't care. Want to watch another cartoon? How about another video? Anything so that I don't have to move or think. The problem is/was that I never do stop thinking and often I would just feel worse because I knew that what I was doing was not good for anyone but had no idea how to overcome it. The really bad thing is that the worse it got the more difficult it got for me to talk about it and therefore the more I tried to hide from everyone. Why would I want to share with someone that for two days straight I did nothing but convince my toddler to leave me alone until my husband and other son got home then I would use all of the little bit of energy I did have to pretend that all was well. Now that I've been on the pill for almost 6 months and I am feeling a bit more normal I look back and wonder how I could let this get so bad? It's extremely hard not to beat myself up. I know that it happened slowly over the past few years, the worst was in the last year and I just didn't realize that I was slipping slowly. I know that it affected my relationship with Joel and that kills me. I talked and smiled so little at times that I wonder why he put up with it. I know that we have a little bit of a journey to take to get back to being the couple that we can be, but I know now that we can. If you would have asked me a year ago, I probably would have just changed the subject then gone home and cried.

* difficulty concentrating - (some taken from last post) yes, but I argued that this could be the lack of sleep. My doctor gave the look and checked it off. She then said that many symptoms fed off each other and made them worse. This was tough for me. I am a very organized driven person. I like to get the job done and move onto the next. I was having a hard time doing that and the fear of not completing it at all meant that a lot of times I just didn't start it or do it. That wasn't good either! I remember getting my scrapbook stuff out a few times and an hour or two later sit there totally depressed that I couldn't focus my thoughts enough to get even one page done. I used to be able to whip out six months worth of pages in one night. Think about that and it just depressed me even more. To be honest, I haven't touched my stuff in quite a while, I'm afraid to, but don't worry, it's part of my healing plan!

* feeling "out of control" - I felt totally out of control, like I was no longer in charge of my life. I think this really goes without saying.

* increase or decrease in sex drive - decrease but I hid this as well as I could. I didn't want Joel to know. You know that saying, "buck up camper!" yeah, that's pretty much what I told myself. I didn't want to punish Joel for my problems and I knew that he was already stressed out at work so why add to that. I didn't keep him totally in the dark about stuff but I DID NOT share enough. I should have! By writing it down and/or talking it out I might have caught on a little sooner. I used to keep a journal, I wonder if it would have gotten this bad had I continued with that practice. If you are wondering about stuff now, after reading this blog, why not start a blog or journal of your own? Do it for a month or two then look back and look at what you've read.

* increased need for emotional closeness - I actually created an environment that was completely opposite of this but did feel the need for this. Again, not wanting people to realize just how messed up I was I created a little bubble around myself. My problems stayed inside of that bubble and I allowed no one to get close enough to pop that bubble. The thing is though, I desperately wanted someone to just reach out and smash that bubble and pull me out of it. I also had days that I would reach out to pop the bubble myself but pulled back at the last minute. Each time I pulled back that bubble got bigger and it got stronger. To be honest that bubble is still there, it is shrinking and it's getting weaker but it is still there.

The last two posts have, literally, exhausted me. There is so much more on the emotional and/or mental end of things but I am not sure where I am going next. With that being said, I will probably take a day or three off and figure out my next blog move. For those of you that have contacted me, let me just say that I am so proud of you and that you are not alone. Listen, listen, listen to yourselves and your body. Reach out and pop that bubble!