So Much to Post

I apologize, Stephanie, Tori and Karen all came over and made soap with me yesterday so I didn't get to post anything. We had a great time though and Karen brought us super yummy homemade mac'n cheese with spinach salad for lunch.

I want to say again how much I appreciate the notes, comments, emails, etc. that I have been getting. If you've started thinking about stuff that may be going on in your body and have started dialogue of your own with friends/family that makes me even more happy about blogging this all out. Also know that I am here for you if you have questions, want me to research something or just listen. I've had a couple people ask if it is okay to pass this blog onto others and the answer is yes. Psssst, pass it on.

I'm not at the point in my journey to talk/blog about it yet but also wanted to let you know that my surgery has been scheduled for March 12. (big sigh) The light is at the end of the tunnel. I wonder if they would frown on a play by play from the operating room? "Wait, wait, give me my computer back! I have to let them know what's going on."

Okay, on with the show, the last post was mainly about my physical symptoms and this one I am going to touch on the mental side of things. I am going to try and tackle them much like I did yesterday. List the symptoms and talk about them. However, I am hesitant because I am not sure I can really describe the chaos that was going on in my head. I will do my best though...

* feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation - This was definitely true but it did ebb and flow with my cycle. The week before my period was the worst. I was sure that absolutely nothing in my life was going to turn out well. Finding the positive in anything during that really bad week was impossible. I took things to a personal level that I didn't know existed. I could take something as little as a sock not quite making it into the laundry basket and turn it into a personal attack of sorts. I couldn't stop it, there was still a part of me that knew what I was thinking was just not right but man was is hard to ignore the hormone driven feelings. My emotions would level a bit once I started and I would look back to the crazy, sock on the floor day, and just wonder what the hell my problem was? Sad was a great way to describe it but it had many levels, kind of like taking the stairs. Monday I may be Floor 2 and could talk my way back down to the ground floor, Tuesday I would slowly make my way to Floor 3 - still could come back down to the ground floor but it took me longer and was harder to do. Wednesday I would shoot up to Floor 10 with no hope of seeing ground floor until my period started. I know this still doesn't do it justice but it's really the only way I could figure out how to describe it. Still, as I mentioned, I never once thought of suicide, thank God for that. The worst part of all of this was that I saw it as a weakness. I am too strong of a person to think like this and not figure out how to fix it. This idea held on tighter and tighter as the sadness/despair got worse. I would hide it as best I could from friends and family for fear of being looked at as a failure. I have always been one that just lets things roll off her back. I could step back, take a look at whatever, realize that in the end it really wasn't going to matter and just let it go. I could no longer do this and it drove me crazy.

* feelings of tension or anxiety - I have never really been a tense or anxious person so the little increase of these was a bit disarming at times. Tension is described as a state of mental or emotional strain or suspense. I think this describes where things have gotten for me. A constant state of mental or emotional strain.

* panic attacks - (taken from yesterday's post) I wouldn't say that I ever had a panic attack HOWEVER my claustrophobia definitely intensified. Even in the car at times, if the kids got too loud that feeling of not being able to get out would creep in. No matter what movies you've seen, you just can't jump out of the car while driving down the freeway. The claustrophobic feeling would kick in and I'd snap at the boys to be quiet. It didn't help that my drivers side window is broken so I can't roll it down. It just added to the anxious feeling. My heart is starting to race just typing it out.


* mood swings, crying - without a doubt! Mood swings?? No, it was more like a Six Flags mood roller coaster that took off every 90 seconds. This was an exhausting ride and it just wouldn't stop. Happy and giggling with my kid(s) then just ten minutes later would not be able to stop crying because I saw two kids playing a game on a commercial and they didn't fight once during the entire ad. Remember, I had a hard time seeing the good or positive so the boys' fighting stood out in my head. To me they fought all the time even when they didn't. Okay, they fight a lot but it's good natured for the most part and a lot of wrestling is involved. Even when it sounds bad they are having fun. And anger, wow I could angry fast and over the dumbest things! Then I would just get angrier because I let it get me that angry. Then I would cry b/c I couldn't control the anger then I would mope about because I didn't see how I was going to correct this. Then I would be okay and playing with Oliver again wondering what the heck just happened. This would happen multiple times a day.

* lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts - I was constantly irritated. It became so normal for me that I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten. After I started taking YAZ again and my emotional state started to even out a bit, a person that I worked with asked me what had changed. I asked him to explain the question and he told me that I was always irritated or angry about something but that I didn't seem to be that way lately. I was a little more relaxed. Yikes, he noticed? Made me really take a closer look at what I had been going through.

I'm struggling a bit with this post because it is sooo difficult to convey the chaos that was going on inside my head. For now, however, I am going to take a break. Oliver isn't feeling well and he wants his mom. I will finish this up tonight or tomorrow morning. Probably good to break it up a bit anyway.