Won't Be Long Now

So for about 10 seconds last Friday I wondered if I was doing the right thing...seriously, within minutes I had break through bleeding. All day Saturday I was crampy and spotting then Sunday I spent half the day in bed trying to find a comfortable position to make the pain stop. Recovery will be a pain but the idea of never having to deal with this stuff again is uplifting! I have been commanded by a friend to, "Sit, Stay, and Heal!" upon my return home. I plan and promise to do just that. I'm currently resting now and am hoping for a good nights sleep. Check in is tomorrow at 7:30 with surgery starting at 9:30. They said it should take just under 3 hours. Joel will email family when I am out of recovery and in my room. I will post to the blog as soon as I can after returning home. If you would like a quick email from Joel too just send me your email address. I will check blog/emails one last time before leaving in the morning.

Thanks to everyone for their well wishes, good thoughts, speedy recovery wants and prayers. They mean a lot and they will all go with me in the morning.

Pre-Op Appointments

I had two pre-op appointments this week. Yesterday was with the doctor that will be heading up the surgery (my doctor is assisting) and today was with the hospital admissions folks.

With the doctor yesterday we went over health history, any questions that I had, how the surgery will go, expected recovery and potential risks. Exactly what I expected.

Health History: Luckily, myself and my family are overall pretty healthy folks. Nothing major going on so the health history questionnaire went quickly.

Surgery: She said that the hospital staff, herself and anyone else that comes into contact with me next Thursday will ask me what they are doing in surgery. They do this to make sure that I get done what I am supposed to get done - no more, no less. They also want to make sure that I completely understand what's about to happen. She had me repeat at least 4 times what they will be doing. "Complete vaginal hysterectomy with removal of both ovaries, uterus and cervix. Vaginal wall prolapse repair using tendons from uterus that is being removed along with rectocele repair. All surgery will take place vaginally with the understanding that they will go in through the abdomen if needed to complete the surgery." The doctor also said that she wants me, because of the rectocele repair, to do a bowel prep. She apologized profusely and told me that cursing her and hating her is to be expected. I will be taking something that will clean me out completely from gut to butt. Ha! That rhymed.

Recovery: I will come out of surgery, go to recovery room, once I'm awake enough to be moved, I will be returned to my hospital room. I will spend one night, with vaginal packing and a catheter. The next morning the packing will be removed along with the catheter and as soon as I can urinate I can go home. Once home I am restricted to lifting no more than 10 pounds (a gallon of milk weighs 8 pounds), rest as much as I feel necessary, pain meds as I feel necessary and as many small walks as I can tolerate. No pulling or pushing. No driving while on narcotic pain medication (duh!) or two weeks post-op. They say that recovery really differs from person to person because no two surgeries/persons are the same. She then said no intercourse for 4-6 weeks, at this I laughed and in my best sarcastic voice said, "really? you mean I can't rush home and bang one out?" I KNOW they have to say things like that but it floors me that they HAVE to. 6-8 weeks for full recovery is expected then my body adjusting and getting my hormones that I will have to take figured out after that. I have a post-op appointment on the 30th of this month also.

Risks: There are always risks with any surgery or medical procedure. She did touch on a few other risks. Like she said, they will be down there with sharp instruments removing, moving and repairing.
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Today's appointment was at the hospital (SW Washington). They ran through many of the same things that my doctor did but not before I repeated to them exactly what the surgery was going to entail. I didn't quite get it right the first time through (I hadn't had my coffee yet!) so she asked a couple of questions then made me say it again. I was starting to catch on to why my doctor had me practice saying it. They too did a health history questionnaire, I had to disclose any and all medications, vitamins, herbal supplements, over the counter medications like Tylenol or Advil and street drugs that I've been taking or have taken in the last month. She then went through how the day will go next Thursday and what we should expect. She checked all of my personal information and made notes that Joel will be there with me, etc. They then took a urine sample and blood sample to run a gamut of tests. One of the tests they run, and I understand why they do, is a pregnancy test. This made me chuckle and she explained that the doctor doesn't want any surprises. I said, yeah, yeah I completely understand but if I got pregnant while on YAZ and with my husband having a vasectomy then there are a lot of people with questions that will need to be answered. She laughed too. Anyway, today was basically ALL of the paperwork that needed to be done, that way on Thursday I just show up and I am ready to go.

Off to try and finish another post that I've been working on...hopefully will get it posted in the next 24-48 hours.

MUDdled

The boys...I'll talk about Noah first, then, hopefully Oliver in the next couple of days. I also have my pre-op appointment this Thursday.

Editor's note: Life was not like this all the time. We still had some great fun and some great times. There was just this underlying current that lingered about and made it's presence known. I don't want anyone thinking that what you are about to read was what went on all the time. However, thanks to an email that I just go, something that still should be shared.

This has been a tough one for me. I get an idea or start to type then I stop because I just don't want to think about the past couple of years. Not that I've done anything horrible but I haven't been myself and for that I feel guilty. They deserve their mommy, not some shadow of who she is or was.

Noah is a good kid. He is also a very smart kid that uses his brain to test me everyday. Most of it is asking me questions until I no longer have any clue how to answer them. I've learned just as much, if not more from looking up and answering his questions than I did in school. Other times he is just testing me to see just how much he can get away with before he is sent to his room or loses some of his allowance. However, along with that smart brain of his comes a slough of emotions. One of his EXCEL directors once explained it to me this way. Most people/kids will be presented with a task/problem/question/etc. and have one or two ideas or solutions, think of it as someone walking one or two dogs. Then there are people/kids like Noah that when presented with the same task/problem/question/etc. and their brain goes into overdrive and they will have 9, 10 or even more solutions/questions/ideas/etc...think of it as them walking 9, 10 or more dogs. The one or two dogs may try to pull you and get their way but you can still control them, rein them in so to speak and get them under control. Once you are up to 9, 10 or more dogs and they are pulling you in just as many directions it becomes much harder if not impossible for a someone, especially a child, to control. With the right tools, as Noah gets older, he will learn to control the pack of dogs and organize them into a well thought out solution. For now, however, he doesn't know what to do with all of that mumbo jumbo in his head and it often comes out in the form of frustrated tears.

I tell you the above because it was very difficult for me to understand and deal with those frustrated tears coming from my boy. Some days I would hide in the bathroom and cry because I had no idea how I was going to help him. The days that I was depressed and not feeling good about myself to begin with were really bad. When I feel this bad about myself how am I going to teach my kid to be confident in who he is and the way that his brain works? Other days I couldn't stand it, the days that I could feel my anger/irritation taking over were horrible. I just wanted to yell at him to stop with the stupid crying, how could someone so smart get so upset over something that seemed so damn trivial?!? I would feel guilty because I would wish on those days that he was never that smart. What a horrible thing to wish for your kid! I wanted him to just be one of those kids that would be happy with playing in the mud NOT the kid that wanted to know the origin of the mud, the makeup of the mud, where I thought the mud in our backyard came from, etc. For crying out loud, just play in the mud I don't know how much ash from the 1980 St. Helen's eruption is in our mud! The good thing is that I knew that what I was feeling/thinking was just not right, not me, not something that Noah needed to hear so I kept it to myself. I know that he could tell that I was sad or angry or irritated and I'm sure that his emotions fed off of mine. I am sure that he cried more trying to figure out what was up with me. (deep sigh)

So, knowing that I had a hard time controlling my emotions and dealing with Noah I really, in essence, believe that I pushed him away. I would know it was going to be a bad day so, if he wasn't at school, I would shove him outside to play with his friends a lot, take him to Blockbuster real quick in hopes that he would find a game or a video to keep him occupied for most of the day. I would buy him new Legos or books knowing that he would want to build or read and I could make excuses up so that I wouldn't have to help him. Distance between the two of us meant that I was much less likely to spend the day crying at my inability to help him or blow my top and say something that I would regret and hate myself for. Now, don't get me wrong, just like any parent he (and his brother) would just push and push and push and I would snap, send them to their room, toss out one of those stupid threats that no parent can follow through on like, "GO TO YOUR ROOM and you aren't coming out until you're 18!!" I am a parent after all.

Knowing that I couldn't deal with Noah and that I pushed him away like I did I silently turned on Joel. In my head I convinced myself that he should have picked up on all of this, that he should have sensed that I and Noah needed help. He is much like Noah after all...too smart for his own good. I needed him to step up to the plate and take control, to help encourage Noah, to untangle some of those leashes, etc. However, I never once said this out loud. Never once told him, therefore, never once gave him the opportunity to help me or Noah...not in a productive manner anyway. It is unrealistic of me to think, though, that Joel will never become frustrated with Noah. That because they are two peas in a pod that he should know exactly how to help Noah. Those two are so much alike personality wise that it's scary! Anyway, I knew or thought that I was no good to Noah so when Joel would snap at him or get frustrated with him I would, again all inside, turn into a very angry and protective mama bear! My brain would literally roar with anger, how dare he treat my baby that way! I would clench my jaw to the point of pain and see red...deep angry red. Again, knowing that this was not a good reaction or even a reasonable one I would walk away and not say a thing. I KNEW that what I was feeling was not right, not reasonable, not me but I couldn't stop it, couldn't control it. So not only was I distancing myself from Noah, I was distancing myself from Joel.

As said in the beginning of this post, Noah is a smart kid. Even if he didn't know what was going on with me he could feel it and sense it. I look back now and my heart literally hurts knowing that at times he cried, not because I wouldn't help him figure out the percentage of ash in our backyard mud but because I just wasn't there for him and he needed me.

Let me say again that this wasn't a quick overnight thing that happened. It got worse slowly, over time, so a part of me still felt that this was just who I was now. That it was normal married with kid stuff, that there was nothing wrong with me and nothing that could be done to change my life or how I felt about it. That over time, as our marriage matured and the boys got older things would change, right? Get better, right? I know differently now. I feel differently now.

Yawn

I've been struggling with some insomnia this past week so it's been difficult to put together a post. I will get back to it as soon as I can...

A Story From Another

I am still working on another post about the anger stuff, until then here is someone else's story...

My story takes place almost 30 years ago. I don’t remember when I started having problems, I just remember when it finally got to a point I couldn’t handle it any longer. My periods had always been long and heavy. 7 days was not unusual, in fact pretty typical. I can’t prove anything, but the more I think about things, the more I honestly think starting to use tampons may have had something to do with my problems. Can’t prove anything, but I didn’t have any problems before that. (And it was just recently I came to that conclusion). As I said, they had always been long and heavy, but I had never had a lot of the typical ‘symptoms’- bloating, cramps, mood swings, etc.

Then my periods started getting even heavier and longer. It was lasting 10+ days a lot of months, and a very heavy flow. All of a sudden, I found myself 2 weeks before my periods would start just being miserable- the mood swings were ridiculous! And I was experiencing extreme cramping that I had never had. I found I was spending more and more time in the chair with a pillow crammed into my tummy to try to make the pain go away. Or holding the cat and making him sit on my lap for hours at a time (luckily he was a very loving, lazy cat who would oblige me). It wasn’t working.

And the emotional side- you touched on that quite well in your writing…I kept thinking as I was reading- ‘Exactly! She nailed it!’ When I had basically become a blubbering mess- (thank God for Art Garfunkel- I used to just sit and play his albums over and over while I cried and cried- they seemed to be the only thing that settled my mind) I finally got to the point where I couldn’t take it any more. And I’m sure my husband was just as thankful I finally said something, because I don’t know how much longer his patience would have lasted. (You can tell a person just so many times to take that guitar and cram it up his ass…) Playing the guitar was always one of his things- still is. He enjoys it and would come into the room I happened to be in and start playing. I, of course, being the sensitive wife I was, would listen intently and lovingly to his music. Whether I actually told him out loud to put his musical instrument someplace or just in my mind, doesn’t matter. The fact is I thought it, and became very resentful that he could just sit there and enjoy himself while I was so incredibly miserable. Couldn’t he see the intense pain I was in? Or did he simply not care- he felt fine, so the world was right.

So I went to the OBGYN clinic on base. The doctor didn’t find anything physically wrong with me. I was given a prescription for Tylenol 3 and sent home, with the understanding I would most likely continue to experience these cramps until I went through menopause, and the Tylenol 3 is strong enough to ease the pain. Unfortunately, the medication is also extremely bad for your stomach. But I figured it would ease the pain and I would be once again able to somewhat function, so I took it. The meds did help the physical cramping part, but did nothing for the emotional side. Now remember, this was 30 years ago, at an Air Force clinic, and they never ran any kind of tests for hormonal imbalance. Just did a regular exam and pap, both of which were ‘normal’. So even though the T3 helped the physical pain, the emotional side was still there, and it made me even ‘crazier’ because I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t feel better emotionally since I no longer was experiencing the pain. In fact, the roller coaster kept getting steeper and steeper. I wouldn’t go to work, wouldn’t clean the house (at least now I had an excuse not to…) and the kids were sent outside to play a lot. Back to the clinic, but I was told there was nothing more they could do for me because there wasn’t anything physically wrong with my uterus. So we went out-of-pocket to a Dr. down town. He came to the same conclusion- nothing wrong with my insides- keep taking the T3 until I went through menopause or get the thing cut out. Oh, and the moods- lets try these anti-depressants- they should help control the ups and downs and regulate my emotions. Finally something that would help the crazy part. The physical pains I could deal with- it was painful, but I delivered 2 babies- I figured I could get through that. The emotional part was just too much for me. That’s the part I really wanted ‘fixed’. So I gladly filled the prescription, with the understanding I would most likely be taking these until menopause as well. The anti-depressant really did help to stabilize my emotions. Unfortunately, it stabilized them in the lowest valley I had ever experienced in my life. We’re talking suicidal tendencies here folks. Seriously! I never felt so abandoned and afraid in my life. After just a few days of taking them, I flushed them. I was afraid I would take them all in an effort to just get it over with.

So back to the base clinic, to the uncaring doctor who just wanted to destroy my insides with dangerous pills. Cut it out! I want to be rid of it and this mess once and for all. I have my kids- don’t want any more- it’s of no use to me any longer. So surgery was scheduled, blah, blah, blah. End of story: I woke up from the surgery feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I could tell the difference immediately. They just removed my uterus- I still have my tubes and ovaries, so I didn’t even need to take hormones. And even though I think now that there was possibly a hormonal imbalance that started this whole thing, once my uterus was removed, the imbalance didn’t seem to be a factor any longer. I did experience some hot flashes- almost as if I was going through an early menopause, but that was temporary. I just can’t tell you how much better I felt immediately. I have never regretted having the surgery. So that’s my story. I guess the main thing to say is talk to your doctor, and make sure your doctor is hearing you and understands what’s going on. I was looked at by the AF doctor as if I really was crazy- just another bored housewife who’s making up stuff to add some spice to her life and get free drugs. And that didn’t help. I just shut up and took his stupid pills, but they were ineffective. So don’t settle for what the doctor says if it doesn’t make you comfortable. You need to come to the right conclusion for YOU. If your doctor says something that doesn’t sit right, find another doctor and see what they have to say. There are lots of good doctors out there, and it sounds like they are more in tune with these issues than they were 30 years ago. There will be options, and you need to weigh them all and decide what’s best for you.

Ovarian Mind Control

I've had a couple of requests from people to talk more about the emotional side of things. I told a friend this morning that I was having difficulty with this. Not because I don't have anything to write but because I have a hard time organizing it into a readable post. I find myself starting off on one thing and in writing about it I go off on little tangents. I have to stop, find what I was thinking/writing about and go back to it.

Since Amy specifically mentioned the anger part of things I am going to try and focus on that first. Pardon my rambling because it's bound to happen.

I said before that I never really realized just how bad things got, not until I got back onto birth control. Now that I've been on birth control for about six months and I look back it scares me a bit. I don't ever want to go back to that because it was not me. I am normally a tough gal to upset, I'm not one to just go off on people, I don't, to coin a catch phrase, sweat the small stuff. That's not to say that I never get to that point but it usually takes quite a bit. I'm usually pretty good at just finding the good or positive in things too. If I couldn't then eh, it's still, in the end, probably not going to change how my life turns out overall. I could/would weigh the pros vs. cons and let it go. Again, that's not to say that it never upset me or got to me but I would usually gripe to Joel or a friend like Steph and I'd be done with it. I also confronted people at times, but mostly in a manner that wasn't an in your face threatening kind of manner, just a, do you really want to go there, kind of manner? Or I would simply ask a question and walk away leaving them there to think about what they just did or said.

That being said, things have been a lot different the past few years. Lets start with Joel or at least use an example... a few years ago I took a bunch of little pieces of paper and wrote one word reasons on each one explaining why I fell in love with him. At the time, I did it for him just because I wanted to and who can't use a reminder like that every once in a while. I found, though, that the list/pieces of paper were also good for me. It made not sweating the small stuff even easier. Yeah, this little thing might be driving me crazy but look at all the other reasons to just let it go and love him even more. By the way, even though I didn't add to the pile (just never wrote them down for him), that pile of little pieces of paper keeps growing. So why tell you about this? Because there were more and more days that I never thought about those reminders. Instead my mind kicked those aside and would just stew over stuff. I got to the point that I seriously thought that if Joel were to make a top 10 list of important things to him that I would rate somewhere in the 20's. I failed to see what he was doing for me and focused on the things that he didn't...even if they were stupid little things like not telling me he just put the last roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. My mind would take something like this and think destructive things like...

what the hell? am I a mind reader? does he want me to fail as wife and mother? there is no way that if were to use the last whatever at work that he wouldn't tell somewhere there! how do I rate? where do I rate? does he not love and respect me enough anymore to do something as simple as telling me that he just put the last roll of toilet paper in the bathroom? what if someone stopped by and I had no toilet paper for them? if I can't keep stupid toilet paper stocked in the bathrooms what are they going to think about the rest of my life?

This would go on and on. On the good days I could stop myself and eventually let it go and some days it would be there nagging at me all day. I can kind of describe it like in the cartoons when they have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. My angel would be the one to try and talk me back and my devil would take me off on these tangents. That poor little angel got it's ass kicked!

Side note: Joel is the man when it comes to telling me things like using the last roll of toilet paper, it makes the above that much more ridiculous!

So anyway, if I would go off on a tirade like this over something as stupid as toilet paper can you just imagine where my mind went with other things? This was on the really bad days, usually the week that led up to the start of my period. Staying positive, however, after 7-10 days of beating myself up became harder as time went on. I can honestly say that good days were down to just one or two a month before doing something about it. Here's the really bad thing, I kept this all inside. I might gripe to Steph some but for the most part I just shoved it back down inside and let it fester. Nothing like a big ol' pile of festering goo to start the day off right! It got to the point that I just shut Joel out. I may have tried to reach out a couple of times but I always pulled back. I guess that there was a always a part of me that knew this just wasn't me. Letting Joel know that I was thinking like that, or anyone else for that matter scared me. I was/am a stronger person than that, it seemed very weak to me that I let myself think that way. This, I am finding, is a very difficult habit to break. Even though I am at a better place now with my hormones being regulated I find myself heading down that irritated and angry path. But unlike before, I can quickly realize what I'm doing and change my thought process. By the way, Joel is a logic driven person, I laugh now thinking about what Joel's face/reaction might have been had I said the above TP rant out loud!

After living with crud like that filling my head I just became an angry person overall. Short with the boys (ugh that kills me to write), short with strangers, short with doctors and my dentists...seriously, people just irritated me much more than they had ever before. I also had no problem letting them know that they were irritating/angering me. Going off on them, people I didn't know, made it easier to keep it all inside and hide it from my friends and family. I remember thinking one day that it was obvious that I needed to do something when I went off on another shopper in Fred Meyers.

I somehow kept ending up in the same aisles with the same lady. She is one of those people that has no clue about the space around her...stop the cart in the middle of the aisle, maybe even askew a bit to block the left side of the aisle completely while she stands on the right side browsing the shelves essentially blocking the entire aisle. People would pile up behind her and have to ask repeatedly for her to move so we all could get by then she would finally realize that she what she was doing, give a little giggle, "he he sorry." Come on grocery shoppers, you know what I'm talking about right? Well on the third of fourth aisle of getting blocked I lost it. I think I said something like, "What the hell lady? Did you come to the store today to purposely frustrate all of us that would come into contact with you? How many times do you have to block the aisle and be asked to move out of the freakin' way before you get it? Move, move, move, move, move, puh-lease!?!?" She stood there stunned (that's a shocker no?) and instead of apologizing as I should have, I just shoved her cart out of the way and stormed away.

THAT IS/WAS NOT ME PEOPLE. As I was storming away all I could think was that I had become a totally hideous person, who the hell was I and why couldn't I control myself? I was, in my mind, turning into Jekyll and Hyde. The real me would have laughed the second time and inspected the remaining aisles before going down them and just moved on had she been down there. Let her do what she needed to do to finish her shopping and done what I needed to do to finish mine.

Yikes! That's all I have to say about that stuff for now. Who knew that my ovaries could have such control over my mind?

I also mentioned being short with the boys, I will talk about this but will save it for the next post...also know that these are just a couple of examples. I could probably blog for days about the anger/irritation that I've felt for far too long. I also want to say that I wasn't angry all the time. I also spent days just bummed/depressed. On those days you probably could have walked up to me and slapped me across the face and I would have just turned and walked away thinking that I deserved it. Then there were other days that I just didn't feel at all. I just did stuff because I had to. Fed the family because they were hungry, did laundry because they needed clothes, took the van in for an oil change because it was time...no feelings, no smiling, no laughing, no crying, just complete numbness. Like a huge dose of Novocaine had been administered in the morning, still awake but couldn't feel a thing.

Phew, that was uplifting! Go hug your spouse, friends, kids, whoever and just tell them that you love them! It's bound to get a smile or two.

Stuff and Junk

"Stuff and junk" is how Joel and I describe a menagerie of things that may be going on at anyone time, I figured it would be fitting for this post too. I've been trying to figure out what to post next. Should I go into certain parts of my struggle more deeply? Should I blog about how I'm feeling daily? I just am not sure which way to take it and this is where YOU come in! I thought that I would open it up and ask if there is anything that you would like to know more about? Don't be afraid to ask, I've put this blog here to open up and share. You can email me personally or leave an anonymous question if you like. If I don't get any questions then I'll figure something out.

I also want to give anyone the opportunity, if they wish, to write a post about their own struggles. Type it up, email it to me and I will post it here. I am positive that others have been through things that we could all learn from and/or be inspired by. Or what about things like the Diva Cup? Do you have something like that you could share with us?

This may not be that interesting to some but hey it's a post about stuff and junk so here we go. I started my period today. I've been dealing with the hormone ups and downs, the cramping, the overall blah feeling that comes with the anemia but then I realized something. If all goes according to plan, this will be my last period! My last doubling over with cramping, no energy, emotional roller coaster, stuck in the house, period. I'm not looking forward to the surgery or recovery but the prospect of not having to deal with this again is uplifting. I told Joel I felt like I should be throwing a party or celebrating somehow. He, in his logical way, says, "why don't we just get through the surgery and recovery first, then we'll talk parties." Fine!

I am starting to get a little bit nervous about the recovery from the surgery. I have my pre-op appointment on March 5th. If I remember correctly, although it's not been officially determined yet, that it will be a cesarean or abdominal cut because they will be taking my ovaries. The surgery doesn't bother me nor does the idea of the abdominal cut what does worry me is Oliver. That boy loves to be near me...on my lap, on my back, next to me, climbing on me, wrestling with me, etc. The idea of those tiny but hard and pointy elbows and knees bumping into my stomach makes me shiver. I am worried that he just won't understand and the idea of telling him that he can't sit on my lap and snuggle for a while kills me. Yeah he can snuggle beside me but his favorite is to sit on my lap sideways and tuck his cute little head in under my chin. I'm sure we will figure something out.

So there you have it, a little bit of stuff and junk...