Looking Back

Wow! I must say that I was hesitant to put this out there and share at first. However, I knew that I needed to do something and this is cheaper and in my opinion more fun than therapy. I can not express how much your kind notes and words have meant to me. It's amazing how much better I feel already. Thank you so much.

So I have found myself writing about one symptom at a time, although I don't know if symptom is the right word to use or not. At this point, I am going to discuss one of my symptoms and all the stuff related to that then go back to the beginning and start with the next symptom. There will be some crossover and a bit of back and forth but it seems to be the easiest way for me to write without getting confused.

I can't say for sure when it all started to head downhill, but I believe that having Oliver really brought things to the surface and got the ball rolling. After having him, I never ever really got back to feeling normal. I would say it took about 18 months after Noah to feel human again but to this day I still don't feel right and Oliver is 38 months old! My first clue should have been when Oliver stopped breast feeding at ten months old (his choice not mine) I continued to lactate WELL for at least two months and I could express milk for another four after that. Not a lot but I was still producing. I should have known at that point that my hormones were not working right. Seriously, who produces milk for six months after there is no demand for it? I also noticed, and pointed it out at my annual pap six months after Oliver was born, that things just didn't seem to be right down there. I couldn't wear tampons because they would hit my cervix, sex was only comfortable in certain positions and when I wiped it just didn't seem/feel right. Nothing really hurt per se but I always had this nagging feeling that it wasn't right. My doctor said it looked and felt normal and not to worry about it yet, to give myself a good year after birth before being concerned. Reminded me that I have had two kids with two episiotomies and things were going to be a little bit different. She is a good doctor though and said to keep an eye on it and come back and see her if things still didn't feel right in another six months. She did talk to me again about my uterus being tipped though. Most people 70% have what they call a "normal" uterus that tilts forward, 20% have one that sits more straight up and down and then 10% like me, have one that tilts backward. However, mine just doesn't tilt backwards, it darn near lays down flat and my cervix at times, according to my doctor, will actually rest on/hit my pelvic bone. A pap has always been difficult for me, the doctors have a hard time finding my elusive cervix and when they do they have to manipulate it quite a bit in order to get the scrapings that they need. Not a comfortable feeling at all and my poor doctor spends the entire time saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm hurrying, sorry." My doctor has told me, more than once, that I need to put a note/letter in my wallet with my ID for the emergency room doctors to find. WHAT?, what do you mean? She says that my cervix is so difficult to find that in case of an emergency that may require a pelvic exam, I should have a note in my wallet telling the ER doctor where to find it. Nothing like a cervical treasure map in my wallet to make me feel more at ease! X marks the spot Mr. ER doctor!

Soooo anyway, to wrap this post up, when I look back and really think about it, I would have to say that within six months of Oliver being born I knew that something wasn't right. I just didn't know what or why, couldn't articulate it well, etc. Plus all of what I was feeling really could have been birth related. How was I supposed to know?